Saturday, July 25, 2009
Donde Esta Mi Swagger?
Uhg, oye, um, eh, damn it's been awhile since I've written up in this. I guess I just haven't had much to say lately. Things are just kind of dwindling by. I'm still not over D, a part of me probably never will be, but I'm putting my feet forward or whatever and what not. In the end I know what I did was right, it's the same shit fuck back issue I have every time things end with a girl, for some reason I'm just not a quick get over-er. I think it's because I'm so damn picky and choosy with whom I choose to share my time with. Take the few weeks I've been broken up with D for, I've had a few opportunites with other girls but have let them pass by the wayside because I just wasn't interested. That's just how I work, I don't care, if you don't do it for me totally then I'm not gonna fake it just for some easy ass. Don't get me wrong, more often than not I wish I could be that guy but I guess it's just not in my genes. Either way, I feel like I'm coming back around, I really need to make something happen that gets D out of my head soon though. I mean seriously, I ended it with her, granted it was a mercy killing that I truly didn't want to do but I did it, I shouldn't still be having this trouble. I need to just have a fun night with another chick. Either way I'm still not happy, I can't say I'm miserable but I'm definately missing a step or two. A week for now I'll be at the early end of my big 10 day vacation, if there's one thing I'll be looking for while I'm out there it's my damn swagger...I've been missing it for far too long and it's time to get it back.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Fixing the World One Idea at a Time
Went out with a friend last night, it was the first time in a long time that I can remember going out to bars and not having even one drink. We hit up the Sunset area and had a surprising amount of fun. I'm still a little surprised. For the first time since I moved here, I actually want to go back to Sunset, although next time I'd like to drink.
Anyway, it's towards the end of the night, we're at the last bar we went to and we're looking around, checking out the girls and discussing how there's always too many couples at bars, this was when I had a revolutionary thought.
We need to have segregation in our nightlife / bar scene. As a guy who's single more than taken, nothing frustrates me more than being at a bar, seeing a really hot girl then seeing her boyfriend right behind her. It really fucks up the whole process and needs to change.
Bars need begin taking sides and establishing themselves as couples only or singles only. No exceptions. If you think this would be bad for business then you are seriously mistaken. What single person wouldn't want to go to a bar if they knew, for sure, going in that everyone there was also gonna be single? The only potential issue I can see is too much sausage aka cock and not enough estrogen.
The sausage fest issue is the biggest reason as to why this has to be a blanket law. If it were only to be established at one or two places then those places would be swarming with horny, creepy dudes which, is pretty much how most bars are now anyway.
On the flip side, there would also be couples only bars. I know when I'm in a relationship I still like to take my lady out for drinks from time to time and should be able to, but without putting my lady out there as a tease to all the single guys in the bar. This goes along the lines of maxim that I've valued for awhile: don't do something that bothers you when you see other people doing it. Well, every time I take my girl (when I have one) out to a bar I'm violating that maxim.
In the end it's all about making people feel comfortable. With singles / couples bar segregation everyone wins. People who are in relationships can go out and have a good time without fear of being bothered by drunk and horny people while single people can go out without having to deal with seeing all these attractive people they'd like to meet who are already taken.
I guess that's about it for now. This weekend was nice, really chill, fairly productive. I'm still pleased with myself in that I didn't have any drinks. I honestly didn't think I'd make it. Counting the days 'til the East Coast.
Anyway, it's towards the end of the night, we're at the last bar we went to and we're looking around, checking out the girls and discussing how there's always too many couples at bars, this was when I had a revolutionary thought.
We need to have segregation in our nightlife / bar scene. As a guy who's single more than taken, nothing frustrates me more than being at a bar, seeing a really hot girl then seeing her boyfriend right behind her. It really fucks up the whole process and needs to change.
Bars need begin taking sides and establishing themselves as couples only or singles only. No exceptions. If you think this would be bad for business then you are seriously mistaken. What single person wouldn't want to go to a bar if they knew, for sure, going in that everyone there was also gonna be single? The only potential issue I can see is too much sausage aka cock and not enough estrogen.
The sausage fest issue is the biggest reason as to why this has to be a blanket law. If it were only to be established at one or two places then those places would be swarming with horny, creepy dudes which, is pretty much how most bars are now anyway.
On the flip side, there would also be couples only bars. I know when I'm in a relationship I still like to take my lady out for drinks from time to time and should be able to, but without putting my lady out there as a tease to all the single guys in the bar. This goes along the lines of maxim that I've valued for awhile: don't do something that bothers you when you see other people doing it. Well, every time I take my girl (when I have one) out to a bar I'm violating that maxim.
In the end it's all about making people feel comfortable. With singles / couples bar segregation everyone wins. People who are in relationships can go out and have a good time without fear of being bothered by drunk and horny people while single people can go out without having to deal with seeing all these attractive people they'd like to meet who are already taken.
I guess that's about it for now. This weekend was nice, really chill, fairly productive. I'm still pleased with myself in that I didn't have any drinks. I honestly didn't think I'd make it. Counting the days 'til the East Coast.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
blah blah blah
(sigh) Been a slow, laid back week = about fucking time. Not gonna lie, I'm feeling better by the day, D is slowly fading from my rear view, the friend visitations are done for awhile, I can almost smell a job promotion and in just three short weeks I'll out on the East Coast being the visitor instead of the host. Yeah, life's okay right now. Not great, not shitty.
Went out with the girl whom I previously referred to as the Hip Pocket Girl tonight. I guess we'll just call her HPG from now on, got that? Maybe you should write it down. Anyway, this was our second date, we walked on 3rd street prominade then came back and chilled at my place before she left. No action, didn't make a move. Well, a slight one at the end, but I didn't really go for it. Got kind of a peck and she said "I can't kiss you yet."
Ugh, I don't know how I feel about this chick. She's kind of falling into that category where I'd do here but wouldn't date her and that's a problem I have. Well, I guess it's either a problem or a good thing depending on your opinions. Basically, I'm not good at being a scumbag. I can be in one night stand circumstances, but I can't lead a girl on, fuck her, then hang her out to dry. Nor can I fake date girls just to get some ass. I know lots of guys who can do it, but I just feel wrong. In the end, I'm a nice guy, what can I say?
It's funny, I often think about how much higher the number of girls I've had sex with would be if I could just turn that niceness off, but you can't change who you are, right? I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this instance though because even though I say I'm a nice guy and can't be a dick, every girl I've ever fucked with the exception of one, I didn't have any feelings for. I've only truly liked one girl that I've had sex with. Crazy. I've had more one/two night stands than meaningful relationships. But, now that I think of it, we've kind of been over this so moving on...
I guess there's really not much else. Tomorrow I'm meeting with this actor to play a part in this little short I wrote that I've been trying to shoot for awhile. It's hard to stay focused on that shit when you work as much as I do, but it's gonna get shot. I believe in the project and think it could be pretty funny if we do it right. I don't think it would cost much at all either. The biggest thing would be renting cameras, the best way to shoot it would be 3 camera because it's mocking the traditional 3-cam sitcom format.
Either way, I hope this guy, who comes highly recommended, works out and we can get wheels in motion. It's still kind of early so I think I'm gonna put some work in on this script I started writing awhile ago, fell off of, but over the past couple days have been thinking about and want to get back to. If that last sentence made any sense to you then pat yourself on the back. And on that note, I bid you adeu.
Went out with the girl whom I previously referred to as the Hip Pocket Girl tonight. I guess we'll just call her HPG from now on, got that? Maybe you should write it down. Anyway, this was our second date, we walked on 3rd street prominade then came back and chilled at my place before she left. No action, didn't make a move. Well, a slight one at the end, but I didn't really go for it. Got kind of a peck and she said "I can't kiss you yet."
Ugh, I don't know how I feel about this chick. She's kind of falling into that category where I'd do here but wouldn't date her and that's a problem I have. Well, I guess it's either a problem or a good thing depending on your opinions. Basically, I'm not good at being a scumbag. I can be in one night stand circumstances, but I can't lead a girl on, fuck her, then hang her out to dry. Nor can I fake date girls just to get some ass. I know lots of guys who can do it, but I just feel wrong. In the end, I'm a nice guy, what can I say?
It's funny, I often think about how much higher the number of girls I've had sex with would be if I could just turn that niceness off, but you can't change who you are, right? I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this instance though because even though I say I'm a nice guy and can't be a dick, every girl I've ever fucked with the exception of one, I didn't have any feelings for. I've only truly liked one girl that I've had sex with. Crazy. I've had more one/two night stands than meaningful relationships. But, now that I think of it, we've kind of been over this so moving on...
I guess there's really not much else. Tomorrow I'm meeting with this actor to play a part in this little short I wrote that I've been trying to shoot for awhile. It's hard to stay focused on that shit when you work as much as I do, but it's gonna get shot. I believe in the project and think it could be pretty funny if we do it right. I don't think it would cost much at all either. The biggest thing would be renting cameras, the best way to shoot it would be 3 camera because it's mocking the traditional 3-cam sitcom format.
Either way, I hope this guy, who comes highly recommended, works out and we can get wheels in motion. It's still kind of early so I think I'm gonna put some work in on this script I started writing awhile ago, fell off of, but over the past couple days have been thinking about and want to get back to. If that last sentence made any sense to you then pat yourself on the back. And on that note, I bid you adeu.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Reflecting on the Future
Ahhhhh, nothing like a nice, long weekend away from everything to help bring you back down. I spent the four day 4th of July weekend in San Diego with friends doing lots of drinking. It was meant to be a cleansing weekend so I didn't hit on any girls. I thought about it and even wanted to at points, especially when really drunk, but to be honest, my game's a little rusty after having not doing much hitting on over the past four months. So, I didn't talk to any. I think it's safe to say that I'm keeping girls on the back burner between now and when I take my trip to the East Coast at the very end of the month / beginning of next month. I can't wait for that, I'd like to think I'll pull in a one nighter or two while I'm there then come back fully over D and ready to pound the pavement out here, we'll see.
The best part of the weekend, by far, was yesterday. Yesterday was Monday and I was supposed to go back to work but since it was my visiting friends' last day in town I called in sick and spent the day laying on the beach with my eyes closed and listening to the ocean. It was so relaxing, I didn't really think about much at the time, maybe a little reflecting on D. Seems to be the status quo for my thoughts these days.
I was thinking today about how commonplace this is for me. Over the years, regardless of how long I was seeing the girl for and how much or little I liked her, it always takes me a few days to fully get it out of my system. I'm, by nature, a very reflective person. I always find myself reliving the situations and generally wondering about things. I wonder about things that could have been said or done to change how the story played out, I also just reminisce about the best moments of the times we shared.
I think both parts, the latter especially, of the reflecting period will take a little longer with D for a few reasons.
1) D was / is by far the most interesting and infactuating girl I've ever been with. There was just something about her that is really hard to wash my hands clean of. I want to, bad, but it's been hard and will continue to be hard.
2) The fact that I didn't really want to end it. I'm not afraid to say it, I didn't want to end it. I still had strong feelings for D while I was ending it and I still have strong, lingering feelings for her now as I type this. I kept waiting and hoping for a moment that would bring everything back and make everything okay while I was ending it but it never happened. It was a lost cause. She wanted out, I knew it and I did what any good soldier would do to a dying man in the field; put her out of her misery. It was by far the toughest "breakup" I've ever had to do.
3) I had so many great memories with her. She took me to Disneyland. We went to all these amazing restaurants that I'd never been to before. Our weekend at Big Bear. As well as just many great little moments, you know, those moments that happen between you and someone special that capture everything that makes you two as a couple so special at that perticular moment? Lots of those.
4) I really didn't expect it to end so quick. I think the fact that it all ended so sudden and finitely really has had an effect on me. I mean, not too long ago we were making tentative plans for my birthday which is in September. We were also talking about planning a trip to San Fran in the Fall and then like a fucking punch to the stomach the wind is knocked out of everything and it's over.
I guess that's just the way that it goes and I need to get over it; fast. But I just don't think there's a fast in this process. I'm just gonna have to fight through it and hope it goes away sooner than it currently feels like it will go away. It would be nice to snag a one nighter at some point in the very near future. Those always work good to kind of remind you that there are other women out there that find you attractive and vice versa. Yeah, I'll be keeping my eyes out for one of those in the coming days and weeks.
On one last note, after this harsh money spending and hard drinking weekend I've decided not to drink AT ALL between now and when I go to the East Coast, mostly just to save money. I think this'll be good for me; goes with the whole cleansing process. Basically the next few weeks are a transitional phase for me; I'm cleansing my body of alchohol, I'm cleansing my mind of D and it'll all culminate in my big trip to the East Coast which will hopefully be followed by my long overdue promotion. Boy, writing that feels good, reading it over will surely feel better, but living it would certainly feel best. Here's to hoping it all plays out as well in real life as it does in my imagination.
The best part of the weekend, by far, was yesterday. Yesterday was Monday and I was supposed to go back to work but since it was my visiting friends' last day in town I called in sick and spent the day laying on the beach with my eyes closed and listening to the ocean. It was so relaxing, I didn't really think about much at the time, maybe a little reflecting on D. Seems to be the status quo for my thoughts these days.
I was thinking today about how commonplace this is for me. Over the years, regardless of how long I was seeing the girl for and how much or little I liked her, it always takes me a few days to fully get it out of my system. I'm, by nature, a very reflective person. I always find myself reliving the situations and generally wondering about things. I wonder about things that could have been said or done to change how the story played out, I also just reminisce about the best moments of the times we shared.
I think both parts, the latter especially, of the reflecting period will take a little longer with D for a few reasons.
1) D was / is by far the most interesting and infactuating girl I've ever been with. There was just something about her that is really hard to wash my hands clean of. I want to, bad, but it's been hard and will continue to be hard.
2) The fact that I didn't really want to end it. I'm not afraid to say it, I didn't want to end it. I still had strong feelings for D while I was ending it and I still have strong, lingering feelings for her now as I type this. I kept waiting and hoping for a moment that would bring everything back and make everything okay while I was ending it but it never happened. It was a lost cause. She wanted out, I knew it and I did what any good soldier would do to a dying man in the field; put her out of her misery. It was by far the toughest "breakup" I've ever had to do.
3) I had so many great memories with her. She took me to Disneyland. We went to all these amazing restaurants that I'd never been to before. Our weekend at Big Bear. As well as just many great little moments, you know, those moments that happen between you and someone special that capture everything that makes you two as a couple so special at that perticular moment? Lots of those.
4) I really didn't expect it to end so quick. I think the fact that it all ended so sudden and finitely really has had an effect on me. I mean, not too long ago we were making tentative plans for my birthday which is in September. We were also talking about planning a trip to San Fran in the Fall and then like a fucking punch to the stomach the wind is knocked out of everything and it's over.
I guess that's just the way that it goes and I need to get over it; fast. But I just don't think there's a fast in this process. I'm just gonna have to fight through it and hope it goes away sooner than it currently feels like it will go away. It would be nice to snag a one nighter at some point in the very near future. Those always work good to kind of remind you that there are other women out there that find you attractive and vice versa. Yeah, I'll be keeping my eyes out for one of those in the coming days and weeks.
On one last note, after this harsh money spending and hard drinking weekend I've decided not to drink AT ALL between now and when I go to the East Coast, mostly just to save money. I think this'll be good for me; goes with the whole cleansing process. Basically the next few weeks are a transitional phase for me; I'm cleansing my body of alchohol, I'm cleansing my mind of D and it'll all culminate in my big trip to the East Coast which will hopefully be followed by my long overdue promotion. Boy, writing that feels good, reading it over will surely feel better, but living it would certainly feel best. Here's to hoping it all plays out as well in real life as it does in my imagination.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Institutionalized
I had a weird realization about myself today. Remember in The Shawshank Redemption when Red goes on his little spiel about being "institutionalized?" If not I'll run it by real quick; basically he says he's institutionalized because he's been in prison so long that he doesn't know how to live in the outside world anymore.
Well, that's me, well, not with prison but with relationships. I'm almost 27 years old and if you were to add up all the time in my life I've spent in relationships it wouldn't even equal 1 full year, crazy. Especially considering that I've been with and had opportunities with quite a few women. But, the majority of my relationships, wait, all of my relationships have been post high-school, most of them post-college even.
I guess you could say I have a bit of an ugly duckling background. Although I can't say I was ever really ugly, more like a late bloomer. Puberty hit me HARD. I had awful acne, I had braces, I was deathly uncoordinated and my voice cracked hard every other word. Needless to say, when girls in my high school were looking to lose their virginity they went elsewhere. It wasn't 'til college, after the braces were gone, the acne had cleared, I'd regained my coordination and my voice had leveled off that I started having luck with women. A little bit at first, a lot after awhile.
Of course, I took to my newfound desirability like someone who had been broke then became rich overnight; I exploited it. I guess I was mad at the superficial girls from my high school and took it out on the young girls of Chicago, who knows, but what I do know is that I was bouncing around without ever really feeling much of anything and when I did feel something I made sure I stopped feeling it pretty quick.
Flash forward a few years to me living in LA in my mid 20's. I still have my appeal to women, one thing I can never complain about in my life is that I don't have trouble meeting and attracting women, I just have trouble sustaining things. Anyway, here I am, getting a little older and a little jaded on the whole bouncing around thing and thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to cool off and be with one girl for awhile.
Enter D, I've never hit it off with a girl like that. It was almost perfect and I thought we were gonna be together for awhile, then, at the first sign of any roadbumps I make a break for daylight like a running back blasting through a small hole. It was almost instictual, the second things got complicated I just didn't know how to nor want to deal with them so I broke the fuck out.
I think I know why; I've been single and bouncing around for so long that I don't know how to be in a relationship. It's almost like I'm addicted to the pain, loneliness and emptiness. In other words; I've become institutionilized.
There's a lot of guys out there that would trade places with me, I'm sure. But, after awhile you gotta start to think about the future and wonder how long you can sustain this lifestyle. Am I destined to end up as one of those 40 year old dudes out at the bar hitting on 20-somethings? Dear me I hope not. But, if I don't make a conscious effort to change my mentality on relationships that's exactly where I'll end up.
I'm not saying I'm gonna just go out and jump on the first girl I find that likes me. No, Instead I'm just going to make it a point to be more aware of this problem and not be afraid to face challenges and fight for what I want next time I find myself in a sinking relation"ship."
I don't regret my actions with D. I still believe it was the right move if only even because it brought out this revelation in me. Now I just have to make it a point to learn from this and all other similar experiences and grow from them.
I'm no longer that same angry kid, bitter kid taking out his high school angst on any willing girl who stepped in his path. I'm older now, I may be a little jaded but I'm an adult and I need to start handling these situations more like an adult.
Starting now.
Well, that's me, well, not with prison but with relationships. I'm almost 27 years old and if you were to add up all the time in my life I've spent in relationships it wouldn't even equal 1 full year, crazy. Especially considering that I've been with and had opportunities with quite a few women. But, the majority of my relationships, wait, all of my relationships have been post high-school, most of them post-college even.
I guess you could say I have a bit of an ugly duckling background. Although I can't say I was ever really ugly, more like a late bloomer. Puberty hit me HARD. I had awful acne, I had braces, I was deathly uncoordinated and my voice cracked hard every other word. Needless to say, when girls in my high school were looking to lose their virginity they went elsewhere. It wasn't 'til college, after the braces were gone, the acne had cleared, I'd regained my coordination and my voice had leveled off that I started having luck with women. A little bit at first, a lot after awhile.
Of course, I took to my newfound desirability like someone who had been broke then became rich overnight; I exploited it. I guess I was mad at the superficial girls from my high school and took it out on the young girls of Chicago, who knows, but what I do know is that I was bouncing around without ever really feeling much of anything and when I did feel something I made sure I stopped feeling it pretty quick.
Flash forward a few years to me living in LA in my mid 20's. I still have my appeal to women, one thing I can never complain about in my life is that I don't have trouble meeting and attracting women, I just have trouble sustaining things. Anyway, here I am, getting a little older and a little jaded on the whole bouncing around thing and thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to cool off and be with one girl for awhile.
Enter D, I've never hit it off with a girl like that. It was almost perfect and I thought we were gonna be together for awhile, then, at the first sign of any roadbumps I make a break for daylight like a running back blasting through a small hole. It was almost instictual, the second things got complicated I just didn't know how to nor want to deal with them so I broke the fuck out.
I think I know why; I've been single and bouncing around for so long that I don't know how to be in a relationship. It's almost like I'm addicted to the pain, loneliness and emptiness. In other words; I've become institutionilized.
There's a lot of guys out there that would trade places with me, I'm sure. But, after awhile you gotta start to think about the future and wonder how long you can sustain this lifestyle. Am I destined to end up as one of those 40 year old dudes out at the bar hitting on 20-somethings? Dear me I hope not. But, if I don't make a conscious effort to change my mentality on relationships that's exactly where I'll end up.
I'm not saying I'm gonna just go out and jump on the first girl I find that likes me. No, Instead I'm just going to make it a point to be more aware of this problem and not be afraid to face challenges and fight for what I want next time I find myself in a sinking relation"ship."
I don't regret my actions with D. I still believe it was the right move if only even because it brought out this revelation in me. Now I just have to make it a point to learn from this and all other similar experiences and grow from them.
I'm no longer that same angry kid, bitter kid taking out his high school angst on any willing girl who stepped in his path. I'm older now, I may be a little jaded but I'm an adult and I need to start handling these situations more like an adult.
Starting now.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
End of an Era
Well it's finally over with D.
Let's start from the beginning, shall we? Yesterday, after a really long day at work I met up with my friend who's in town, his girlfriend and her friend at this local bar. After awhile D showed up and we finally hung out for the first time since the now infamous conversation. This was what I had been wanting, I needed to hang out with her in person once before I decided what my next move was gonna be and she didn't disappoint.
First, she turns her cheek when I go to give her a kiss hello; bad sign, and things just sort of went from there. Granted, we had some nice chats and a fairly good time all together, but something was definitely missing. What a shame.
So today at work I send her a text saying that I needed some face time with her after work and that we could just talk outside her apartment. After work I walked over there and we talked. I was honest, I just broke it down saying that I feel it's time for the romance / dating era of our relationship to come to an end and that I still stand by what I said months ago in that I think we should / will be friends and a part of each other's life for quite some time. I told her that before we started to be friends I need some time away from her.
I told her that we shouldn't see each other for a few months because I can't go from dating to being friends over night, I need some time to cool off. She reacted to the whole thing pretty predictably, in fact it was exactly how I thought she would react. She didn't seem neither happy nor sad; even keeled the whole way. She said she was cool with it and that she really appreciated my honesty and that I did it face to face, etc.
So, there it is, it would seem as we'll be friends at some point down the road, but there is something about D that makes me think that might not happen. Call it a feeling but I get the feeling that when the time comes that I'm completely over, which will happen, and I'm ready to just be friends with her she'll be nowhere to be found.
I don't know, I guess only time will tell on this, but for now, I am now a complete free agent for the first time in months. I do know this as well, my time was D was some of the best times I've had since probably ever. No girl ever made me feel the way she did, there were times when I thought she might be it, it is really sad to me that this had to end, and so soon to boot. It's amazing how these things work, and how people change and their minds change so fast and without warning.
It seemed like D changed overnight. On "Monday" she was all mine, by "Tuesday" she was lost never to be found. I will not lie, even though I was the one who officially ended it, I am surely the one who's most sad and hurt by this whole thing. Ending it wasn't necessarily what I wanted, but it was what was best. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want for the good of the group, and in this case ending things was what was best.
I just hope D does realize that, and really does feel similar to how I feel. She is a great and amazing woman and someday she's gonna make some guy really, really lucky. That guy just wont be me.
Let's start from the beginning, shall we? Yesterday, after a really long day at work I met up with my friend who's in town, his girlfriend and her friend at this local bar. After awhile D showed up and we finally hung out for the first time since the now infamous conversation. This was what I had been wanting, I needed to hang out with her in person once before I decided what my next move was gonna be and she didn't disappoint.
First, she turns her cheek when I go to give her a kiss hello; bad sign, and things just sort of went from there. Granted, we had some nice chats and a fairly good time all together, but something was definitely missing. What a shame.
So today at work I send her a text saying that I needed some face time with her after work and that we could just talk outside her apartment. After work I walked over there and we talked. I was honest, I just broke it down saying that I feel it's time for the romance / dating era of our relationship to come to an end and that I still stand by what I said months ago in that I think we should / will be friends and a part of each other's life for quite some time. I told her that before we started to be friends I need some time away from her.
I told her that we shouldn't see each other for a few months because I can't go from dating to being friends over night, I need some time to cool off. She reacted to the whole thing pretty predictably, in fact it was exactly how I thought she would react. She didn't seem neither happy nor sad; even keeled the whole way. She said she was cool with it and that she really appreciated my honesty and that I did it face to face, etc.
So, there it is, it would seem as we'll be friends at some point down the road, but there is something about D that makes me think that might not happen. Call it a feeling but I get the feeling that when the time comes that I'm completely over, which will happen, and I'm ready to just be friends with her she'll be nowhere to be found.
I don't know, I guess only time will tell on this, but for now, I am now a complete free agent for the first time in months. I do know this as well, my time was D was some of the best times I've had since probably ever. No girl ever made me feel the way she did, there were times when I thought she might be it, it is really sad to me that this had to end, and so soon to boot. It's amazing how these things work, and how people change and their minds change so fast and without warning.
It seemed like D changed overnight. On "Monday" she was all mine, by "Tuesday" she was lost never to be found. I will not lie, even though I was the one who officially ended it, I am surely the one who's most sad and hurt by this whole thing. Ending it wasn't necessarily what I wanted, but it was what was best. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want for the good of the group, and in this case ending things was what was best.
I just hope D does realize that, and really does feel similar to how I feel. She is a great and amazing woman and someday she's gonna make some guy really, really lucky. That guy just wont be me.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Worktime Rumblings and Grumblings
I'm currently sitting here, wasting away the rest of my work day. A friend is flying into town last night and I cant wait. Unfortunately his flight was delayed, he should have already landed. Oh well. This is going to be a great week. I'm really looking forward to seeing how it plays out. I have Friday off due to the 4th, I may take sick day at some other point, and I'll be in San Diego for the 4th. Good things are right around the corner for the week. Unfortunately, this is about as positive as I'm going to get today.
D ignored a text of mine today; that's two. One more and we may be in trouble. It's becoming more and more clear that I've been relegated to her "I'll only deal with him when it's convenient for me" list. We have "concrete" plans to hang out on Thursday, and tentative ones for tomorrow, how those two days shape out is how I'm going to go about my next move. If things play out comparative to how they have been, or if she blows me off on both nights then it's time for me to cut my losses, make a break and move on. It might just be the best thing for me. One thing I've learned is that it's best to get out of these situations asap. Granted, I've failed doing this thus far considering I've been bitching about this for what seems like forever now, but sometimes it's hard to let go.
This situation with D combined with some knowledge I've gained from past relationships combined with knowledge I've gained from talking with and observing other people when it comes to relationships. This situation, coupled with everything I just listed, has allowed me to create a theory on the evolution of relationships and how people go about them. Bear with me here.
Back in the day it was basically men's choice; we chose our women, went after them and they were just happy to have a man for security, etc. Of course, back then just like now, some women were more desirable than men which led to competition for the favor of women; buying them things, doing other things to impress them, etc. After awhile, the women started to evolve and realize the power they had, and began to use and eventually abuse that power for their own gain.
That brings us to the age of gold-diggers and the like. You have these guys going out of their way and doing whatever they can to gain the approval of these women who, most of the time, don't even want them, just want to use them for their money. We are currently in the tail end of this era.
Men are now evolving to combat the abuse put on them by women. This is the birth of "the player" as it's become commonly known. After years of being used and abused by women, men have gotten tired of it and have realized that there's no point in trying to lock down a good woman for life; better to just use 'em and lose 'em. In other words, this is the root of the "death of romance" that D blogged about recently, the one I talked about not too long ago.
So, Basically what I'm trying to say is that people evolve, and this effects how we as a society go about our relationships. Right now we're in mid evolution, nobody really acknowledges it yet but there's a war going on, a power struggle between the two sexes. The women are trying to clutch onto their power and the men are trying to take it back by reversing the using.
The invention of "the player" is a direct response to the gold-digger in my opinion. Any man who's been around the dating block knows that women, as a species, are heartless, especially when their young. And that's when the tables turn, but I'll get to that in a second. I've always said that behind every player and guy who treats women like shit is a sadsob broken heart story that involves a heartless bitch wrecking him. This is the evolution, men have gotten sick of the abuse and are striking back.
The beauty of it all, from a guy's perspective, is that men age better than women. When men are young they go hard at women, looking for a future wife but the women are young, hot and have their whole life ahead of them and think it's gonna last forever so they blow us off. Then when we get older the tables turn; the women start to lose their looks and begin the desperate scramble for a husband while the men start to hit their stride and want to keep bouncing around. This is the real cause for the death of romance. Or at least part of it. The counter evolution of men to combat the evolution of women.
What does this all mean? I don't know. It's just a rough outline of a theory I have. I'm just gonna leave it at that for now.
D ignored a text of mine today; that's two. One more and we may be in trouble. It's becoming more and more clear that I've been relegated to her "I'll only deal with him when it's convenient for me" list. We have "concrete" plans to hang out on Thursday, and tentative ones for tomorrow, how those two days shape out is how I'm going to go about my next move. If things play out comparative to how they have been, or if she blows me off on both nights then it's time for me to cut my losses, make a break and move on. It might just be the best thing for me. One thing I've learned is that it's best to get out of these situations asap. Granted, I've failed doing this thus far considering I've been bitching about this for what seems like forever now, but sometimes it's hard to let go.
This situation with D combined with some knowledge I've gained from past relationships combined with knowledge I've gained from talking with and observing other people when it comes to relationships. This situation, coupled with everything I just listed, has allowed me to create a theory on the evolution of relationships and how people go about them. Bear with me here.
Back in the day it was basically men's choice; we chose our women, went after them and they were just happy to have a man for security, etc. Of course, back then just like now, some women were more desirable than men which led to competition for the favor of women; buying them things, doing other things to impress them, etc. After awhile, the women started to evolve and realize the power they had, and began to use and eventually abuse that power for their own gain.
That brings us to the age of gold-diggers and the like. You have these guys going out of their way and doing whatever they can to gain the approval of these women who, most of the time, don't even want them, just want to use them for their money. We are currently in the tail end of this era.
Men are now evolving to combat the abuse put on them by women. This is the birth of "the player" as it's become commonly known. After years of being used and abused by women, men have gotten tired of it and have realized that there's no point in trying to lock down a good woman for life; better to just use 'em and lose 'em. In other words, this is the root of the "death of romance" that D blogged about recently, the one I talked about not too long ago.
So, Basically what I'm trying to say is that people evolve, and this effects how we as a society go about our relationships. Right now we're in mid evolution, nobody really acknowledges it yet but there's a war going on, a power struggle between the two sexes. The women are trying to clutch onto their power and the men are trying to take it back by reversing the using.
The invention of "the player" is a direct response to the gold-digger in my opinion. Any man who's been around the dating block knows that women, as a species, are heartless, especially when their young. And that's when the tables turn, but I'll get to that in a second. I've always said that behind every player and guy who treats women like shit is a sadsob broken heart story that involves a heartless bitch wrecking him. This is the evolution, men have gotten sick of the abuse and are striking back.
The beauty of it all, from a guy's perspective, is that men age better than women. When men are young they go hard at women, looking for a future wife but the women are young, hot and have their whole life ahead of them and think it's gonna last forever so they blow us off. Then when we get older the tables turn; the women start to lose their looks and begin the desperate scramble for a husband while the men start to hit their stride and want to keep bouncing around. This is the real cause for the death of romance. Or at least part of it. The counter evolution of men to combat the evolution of women.
What does this all mean? I don't know. It's just a rough outline of a theory I have. I'm just gonna leave it at that for now.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Lonely Smoothie
Not to beat a dead horse and continue with the D topics, but really, that's what's dominating my mind right now. I need to meet someone that will push her out of my mind, but for now she's definitely dug her claws into my psyche and isn't moving.
Anyway, we used to have this great little tradition; we'd go out on Saturday then she'd stay over, we'd sleep in on Sunday then I would make homemade smoothies for the both of us and we would sit 0n the couch, cuddle and drink our smoothies. Yeah, it was pretty lame and dorky and what not, but it was also great.
The past two Sundays don't count because she was reportedly out of town two weeks ago and I was out of town last week. So, today was the first Sunday in quite some time in which I drank my smoothie alone. It was an empty, unpleasant feeling. I sat on the couch, alone, drinking my smoothie and longed for it to be a month ago again.
A sad moment.
I get the feeling things are about to turn though. One of my best friends is coming into town tomorrow for the week, a week that will culminate in spending a wild, wild 4th of July in San Diego. Something good is gonna happen, I just know it. Soon my words will be more positive.
Anyway, we used to have this great little tradition; we'd go out on Saturday then she'd stay over, we'd sleep in on Sunday then I would make homemade smoothies for the both of us and we would sit 0n the couch, cuddle and drink our smoothies. Yeah, it was pretty lame and dorky and what not, but it was also great.
The past two Sundays don't count because she was reportedly out of town two weeks ago and I was out of town last week. So, today was the first Sunday in quite some time in which I drank my smoothie alone. It was an empty, unpleasant feeling. I sat on the couch, alone, drinking my smoothie and longed for it to be a month ago again.
A sad moment.
I get the feeling things are about to turn though. One of my best friends is coming into town tomorrow for the week, a week that will culminate in spending a wild, wild 4th of July in San Diego. Something good is gonna happen, I just know it. Soon my words will be more positive.
Last Night's Grumblings
Tonight was one of those nights that reminds me just how unique my life can be. I don’t mean to sound like my life is super special and super different than everyone else’s in a better way, because that it is not, but seriously, things happen to me that I swear happen to nobody else.
Today, as a day, was nothing out of the ordinary. We can pretty much chalk it up as an average Saturday after a drunken Friday; lots of laying around the house with some laundry mixed in. The only real thing of note that occurred was a conversation with D, a pretty telling conversation actually. We had a nice chat, I was very honest and semi-straight-forward, I told her that I missed her and all the corny shit like that. In an essence, she lip serviced me and we made plans to hang out this week which I’m sure she’ll break. The one thing that was clear after it was all said and done is that she is indeed fucking someone else. She isn’t just out window shopping like I am, she is clearly getting fucked by at least one other guy, and this bugs me.
I know she’s fucking some other guy just because I know her and her ways. Basically, on the phone today, when I asked her what she was doing tonight she said she was going to a friend’s birthday party, and that was that. One month ago not only would I have been invited, but I would have been invited five days ago. Not only that, but the evil, curious part of me went to her facebook page and saw the very top wall post on her page by one of the three dudes of whom I know they exist that I’ve suspected is fucking her, well, the post just said “holler,” I clicked on his name to go to his page.
Much to my luck, although in hindsight I wish his shit was private so I hadn’t seen this, his page wasn’t private and the top wall post on it was from her and it basically said “holla front, now you gotta holla back.” Well, this may not seem like much to the unknown observer, but, when D and I were in very infant stages of seeing each other she sent the identical text message to me. In other words, this is her stock thing she does to guys she wants to fuck, don’t I feel used.
So, at this point I’m bummed and angry and I decide to do something about it. It’s at this point when I text the back pocket girl about seeing if she wants to hang out. She soon texts me back and we organize a meeting. I meet her out at a bar and we talk and have drinks and she’s cool, she’s fucking cool, and that’s where my problem occurs. I’m having drinks with this very attractive, quite cool girl and all I can think about is how I wish I was with D. What the fuck is wrong with me? I chose this, remember? I’m supposed to be happy, I’m supposed to be loving the fact that I can fuck other girls yet still have D, but I’m not, I’m miserable, and this is the moment I fully realize it.
I’m here, with a great girl and I couldn’t give a fuck. I only want to be with D, but it’s too late, the damage has been done, I ruined it. I’m such an asshole. So, the “date” proceeds and ends with me giving her a kiss on the cheek as we part ways. I call my friend A and agree to meet him and some other friends at a party and this is where my night becomes so unbelievably me.
I get to the party and start talking to two of my friends, there’s this girl on the fringe of the circle who they’re also talking to that’s cute but I’m not really paying attention to. After a few minutes she stands up and tells me she knows me and asks me my name. She asks me if I’ve ever been to Hermosa Beach and I’m still clueless as to who she is when I ask her her name, she says “Melanie” and that’s when it clicks; I fucked this girl about a year and a half ago in Hermosa. We had a one night stand and haven’t spoken nor seen each other since, yet we bump into each other here, now, random. We chat pleasantly and awkwardly and that’s about it, weird.
And that’s pretty much how my night was; awkward, random and weird. If I felt lost and confused three days ago, I’m an absolute mess right now. What do I do here? I know D, the woman whom I care more about than I should / have cared about more than any girl possibly ever, is fucking some other guy and it’s in a lot of ways my fault. I mean, what do I do? What do I think? She clearly brought this guy to the party tonight. I’ve suddenly become the B squad in her life and I don’t know what to do.
This upcoming week will be interesting. Not only will my good friend S be in town, but I have some plans to hang out with her as well. I feel confident that something important will happen, I just hope it’s not bad. I still don’t know how I want to handle the situation, I do know that I don’t like the thought of D fucking some stupid trendy pseudo hipster cock. But fuck man, I gave her permission, what the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of idiot signs his own death sentence?
I can’t wait for this situation to be resolved, I need to move on. I sometimes have problems moving on. It’s not like I dwell too much, but my life’s field is certainly ripe with instances in which things were going great with the opposite sex than were suddenly derailed which sent me into a temporary funk that totally screwed with my life; I’m actually pretty due for one of these funks. I need to do something to fend off the funk, what? I don’t know, but something has to be done. D is fucking someone else and I’m thinking about her when I should be fucking someone else. I need to figure out how I’m going to rectify this fucking miserable situation, until then I will continue to be a lost, wandering, miserable fuck.
Today, as a day, was nothing out of the ordinary. We can pretty much chalk it up as an average Saturday after a drunken Friday; lots of laying around the house with some laundry mixed in. The only real thing of note that occurred was a conversation with D, a pretty telling conversation actually. We had a nice chat, I was very honest and semi-straight-forward, I told her that I missed her and all the corny shit like that. In an essence, she lip serviced me and we made plans to hang out this week which I’m sure she’ll break. The one thing that was clear after it was all said and done is that she is indeed fucking someone else. She isn’t just out window shopping like I am, she is clearly getting fucked by at least one other guy, and this bugs me.
I know she’s fucking some other guy just because I know her and her ways. Basically, on the phone today, when I asked her what she was doing tonight she said she was going to a friend’s birthday party, and that was that. One month ago not only would I have been invited, but I would have been invited five days ago. Not only that, but the evil, curious part of me went to her facebook page and saw the very top wall post on her page by one of the three dudes of whom I know they exist that I’ve suspected is fucking her, well, the post just said “holler,” I clicked on his name to go to his page.
Much to my luck, although in hindsight I wish his shit was private so I hadn’t seen this, his page wasn’t private and the top wall post on it was from her and it basically said “holla front, now you gotta holla back.” Well, this may not seem like much to the unknown observer, but, when D and I were in very infant stages of seeing each other she sent the identical text message to me. In other words, this is her stock thing she does to guys she wants to fuck, don’t I feel used.
So, at this point I’m bummed and angry and I decide to do something about it. It’s at this point when I text the back pocket girl about seeing if she wants to hang out. She soon texts me back and we organize a meeting. I meet her out at a bar and we talk and have drinks and she’s cool, she’s fucking cool, and that’s where my problem occurs. I’m having drinks with this very attractive, quite cool girl and all I can think about is how I wish I was with D. What the fuck is wrong with me? I chose this, remember? I’m supposed to be happy, I’m supposed to be loving the fact that I can fuck other girls yet still have D, but I’m not, I’m miserable, and this is the moment I fully realize it.
I’m here, with a great girl and I couldn’t give a fuck. I only want to be with D, but it’s too late, the damage has been done, I ruined it. I’m such an asshole. So, the “date” proceeds and ends with me giving her a kiss on the cheek as we part ways. I call my friend A and agree to meet him and some other friends at a party and this is where my night becomes so unbelievably me.
I get to the party and start talking to two of my friends, there’s this girl on the fringe of the circle who they’re also talking to that’s cute but I’m not really paying attention to. After a few minutes she stands up and tells me she knows me and asks me my name. She asks me if I’ve ever been to Hermosa Beach and I’m still clueless as to who she is when I ask her her name, she says “Melanie” and that’s when it clicks; I fucked this girl about a year and a half ago in Hermosa. We had a one night stand and haven’t spoken nor seen each other since, yet we bump into each other here, now, random. We chat pleasantly and awkwardly and that’s about it, weird.
And that’s pretty much how my night was; awkward, random and weird. If I felt lost and confused three days ago, I’m an absolute mess right now. What do I do here? I know D, the woman whom I care more about than I should / have cared about more than any girl possibly ever, is fucking some other guy and it’s in a lot of ways my fault. I mean, what do I do? What do I think? She clearly brought this guy to the party tonight. I’ve suddenly become the B squad in her life and I don’t know what to do.
This upcoming week will be interesting. Not only will my good friend S be in town, but I have some plans to hang out with her as well. I feel confident that something important will happen, I just hope it’s not bad. I still don’t know how I want to handle the situation, I do know that I don’t like the thought of D fucking some stupid trendy pseudo hipster cock. But fuck man, I gave her permission, what the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of idiot signs his own death sentence?
I can’t wait for this situation to be resolved, I need to move on. I sometimes have problems moving on. It’s not like I dwell too much, but my life’s field is certainly ripe with instances in which things were going great with the opposite sex than were suddenly derailed which sent me into a temporary funk that totally screwed with my life; I’m actually pretty due for one of these funks. I need to do something to fend off the funk, what? I don’t know, but something has to be done. D is fucking someone else and I’m thinking about her when I should be fucking someone else. I need to figure out how I’m going to rectify this fucking miserable situation, until then I will continue to be a lost, wandering, miserable fuck.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Plot Thickens
So my shit has officially been flipped upside down. Today was a pretty slow, by the books day at work. Nothing really exciting except for the crowd of people outside mourning Michael Jackson at his walk of fame star. I had a short email correspondence with D that didn't really change my opinions on anything.
It wasn't until about fifteen minutes ago when I read her latest blog entry. I'm killing some time waiting for friends to get here and stop by her blog page to find a new entry. I'm pretty sure it's about me, or at least very inspired by me and our relationship. I won't go into details but it's about the death of romance and how young, hopeful people become numb and hardened and are afraid to take the relationship leap because they feel like it's just gonna end anyway.
That is so me, so fucking me, and she referenced it in one of her emails this morning. I just talked about it with my roommate and thinks that I may actually be the one doing the hurting in this relationship, not the other way around. He brought to my attention that maybe the whole open relationship was actually a test, not a ploy, and I failed it miserably. I fucking failed hard. Granted, I haven't had a true relationship, well, ever, and the thought of it scares me. But at the same time, after reading her blog and talking with me roommate I'm not sure what scares me more; the thought of committing to one girl, or the thought of losing D.
I just don't know right now. I think the best thing to do is to put it out of my mind for a night, kick back, drink some beers and enjoy my night with some of my boys. Tomorrow isn't far away, and tomorrow is when I should make my decision, to use a very cliche term; shit or get off the pot.
I really like D, but I really like having options. But in the end what they say is true, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Whatever the hell that means, it actually doesn't really make sense, but whatever. It comes down to this, instead of sitting here bitching about D and bemoaning the apparent death of our relationship, I need to take a stand on one side of the line or the other and handle it already.
It wasn't until about fifteen minutes ago when I read her latest blog entry. I'm killing some time waiting for friends to get here and stop by her blog page to find a new entry. I'm pretty sure it's about me, or at least very inspired by me and our relationship. I won't go into details but it's about the death of romance and how young, hopeful people become numb and hardened and are afraid to take the relationship leap because they feel like it's just gonna end anyway.
That is so me, so fucking me, and she referenced it in one of her emails this morning. I just talked about it with my roommate and thinks that I may actually be the one doing the hurting in this relationship, not the other way around. He brought to my attention that maybe the whole open relationship was actually a test, not a ploy, and I failed it miserably. I fucking failed hard. Granted, I haven't had a true relationship, well, ever, and the thought of it scares me. But at the same time, after reading her blog and talking with me roommate I'm not sure what scares me more; the thought of committing to one girl, or the thought of losing D.
I just don't know right now. I think the best thing to do is to put it out of my mind for a night, kick back, drink some beers and enjoy my night with some of my boys. Tomorrow isn't far away, and tomorrow is when I should make my decision, to use a very cliche term; shit or get off the pot.
I really like D, but I really like having options. But in the end what they say is true, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Whatever the hell that means, it actually doesn't really make sense, but whatever. It comes down to this, instead of sitting here bitching about D and bemoaning the apparent death of our relationship, I need to take a stand on one side of the line or the other and handle it already.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
We all Need a Nice, Calm, Dog Danglin' Day Sometimes
Talk about an uneventful day today, especially considering the events of, oh I don't know, the last ten. Work moved at a slower pace than that of a snail after spending the first three days of this week at a breakneck pace, and you know what? It was great. I didn't have any contact with D so there were no new developments there so that's that on that front.
Probably the most exciting thing going on today was the setup for the Bruno premier outside. One nice thing about my shitty job is that my shitty company's office is located in the building right across the street from The Chinese Theater in Hollywood and we have an amazing view of it. So when there's a big premiere we have probably the best view in the world. The setup for Bruno was fittingly guady, and it lasted all day in the same fashion as all big premieres. As much as I wanted to be there and see how it all went down, this was the first day this week when I was able to leave at a decent time and I had to take that opportunity to run far far away from that place as fast as I could.
I actually made it to the gym for the first time this week, sad because I had planned to go at least three times this week. That's usually how things work at the company, it's like they know you've got plans so they fucking torch them every fucking time.
That's really about that I guess, the Bulls drafted two guys I've never heard of, hopefully they're not corpses. One of my good friends is in town but I sadly wont see him 'til tomorrow. That should be an exciting time. I had a nice, short chat with the back pocket girl tonight, I'll probably try to set something up for the weekend with her so we'll have to wait and see how that goes.
Other than that, I guess that about does it for today. Time to get rested up for what is gonna be a long 9 or so day period. People coming into town, road trips to San Diego and lots of stuff that I haven't found about about yet. Can't wait.
Probably the most exciting thing going on today was the setup for the Bruno premier outside. One nice thing about my shitty job is that my shitty company's office is located in the building right across the street from The Chinese Theater in Hollywood and we have an amazing view of it. So when there's a big premiere we have probably the best view in the world. The setup for Bruno was fittingly guady, and it lasted all day in the same fashion as all big premieres. As much as I wanted to be there and see how it all went down, this was the first day this week when I was able to leave at a decent time and I had to take that opportunity to run far far away from that place as fast as I could.
I actually made it to the gym for the first time this week, sad because I had planned to go at least three times this week. That's usually how things work at the company, it's like they know you've got plans so they fucking torch them every fucking time.
That's really about that I guess, the Bulls drafted two guys I've never heard of, hopefully they're not corpses. One of my good friends is in town but I sadly wont see him 'til tomorrow. That should be an exciting time. I had a nice, short chat with the back pocket girl tonight, I'll probably try to set something up for the weekend with her so we'll have to wait and see how that goes.
Other than that, I guess that about does it for today. Time to get rested up for what is gonna be a long 9 or so day period. People coming into town, road trips to San Diego and lots of stuff that I haven't found about about yet. Can't wait.
The Collapsing of a Relationship 1 2 3
I had a thought on my way to work this morning about, yep, you guessed it, my failing relationship with the one and only D. Man, I really hope this saga gets its closure soon so I can start focusing on other, more important topics. But for now, this is what is front and center in my mind.
Anyway, I was thinking about things while driving earlier and I realized that the story arch of our relationship has been very similar to that of a movie that's quite good and exciting for the first 85 minutes, then craps out for the last 5-10 and leaves you feeling confused and unsatisfied. Last week I watched "The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3" and had that exact feeling when the movie ended. So, although other movies could be used as examples, "Pelham" is the one I've seen most recently so I'm gonna do a quick story point by story point comparison of the two.
- I meet D; we talk a little via email / phone a little before meeting up and having our first date which ends up being the best first date I've ever had. We have two more dates after this that get progressively better and end with our first kiss session ---- The opening credits roll, quick cuts between Travolta and Washington starting their days. Travolta and his boys hijack the train and we're off and running.
- D and I have sex for the first time on only our fourth date, about two weeks after the first one. It's sudden and it's awesome ---- Travolta kills the first passenger and we now know he's not bluffing like Ed Harris in "The Rock." Quite the opposite actually, he's not fucking around.
- D and my relationship continues to blossom and be exciting and fresh and always full of surprises. We aren't bored of each other, in fact we can't get enough of each other. ---- The story progresses as Travolta and Washington's relationship builds, we learn of the computer on the floor, more people die, car crashes, etc etc.
- D begins the first in a series of interesting moves and things said. She starts doing things in her free time that she hadn't been doing and suddenly has all these new dude friends as well as less time for me. ---- Washington and Travolta meet, money is exchanged and the Travolta gang tricks the cops and escapes the subway into a hotel.
- D brings up the open relationship idea and I agree, thinking at the moment that it's not a bad idea and is worth trying. ---- Travolta and his hired thugs shake hands and go their separate ways upon exiting the hotel, thinking they've gotten away.
- Almost two weeks go by without seeing D and it's clear she doesn't really have any desire to see me (see; previous entries for further explaination of this). ---- both Travolta and his Hired thugs are separately corned by cops and killed. The thugs in a sudden hail of gunfire, Travolta by Washington. Not the ending the average viewer had hoped for.
I don't really know what the point of mentioning this is, it just makes sense in my head. There isn't much that sucks more than a disappointing end to something that had otherwise been so satisfying. It leaves you feeling cheated and empty inside. That's how I felt after "Pelham" on a small, entertainment scale and that's how I'm feeling as the D saga limps its way toward the innevitable rolling of the credits.
"Eh, it was pretty good, ending kinda sucked though."
Anyway, I was thinking about things while driving earlier and I realized that the story arch of our relationship has been very similar to that of a movie that's quite good and exciting for the first 85 minutes, then craps out for the last 5-10 and leaves you feeling confused and unsatisfied. Last week I watched "The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3" and had that exact feeling when the movie ended. So, although other movies could be used as examples, "Pelham" is the one I've seen most recently so I'm gonna do a quick story point by story point comparison of the two.
- I meet D; we talk a little via email / phone a little before meeting up and having our first date which ends up being the best first date I've ever had. We have two more dates after this that get progressively better and end with our first kiss session ---- The opening credits roll, quick cuts between Travolta and Washington starting their days. Travolta and his boys hijack the train and we're off and running.
- D and I have sex for the first time on only our fourth date, about two weeks after the first one. It's sudden and it's awesome ---- Travolta kills the first passenger and we now know he's not bluffing like Ed Harris in "The Rock." Quite the opposite actually, he's not fucking around.
- D and my relationship continues to blossom and be exciting and fresh and always full of surprises. We aren't bored of each other, in fact we can't get enough of each other. ---- The story progresses as Travolta and Washington's relationship builds, we learn of the computer on the floor, more people die, car crashes, etc etc.
- D begins the first in a series of interesting moves and things said. She starts doing things in her free time that she hadn't been doing and suddenly has all these new dude friends as well as less time for me. ---- Washington and Travolta meet, money is exchanged and the Travolta gang tricks the cops and escapes the subway into a hotel.
- D brings up the open relationship idea and I agree, thinking at the moment that it's not a bad idea and is worth trying. ---- Travolta and his hired thugs shake hands and go their separate ways upon exiting the hotel, thinking they've gotten away.
- Almost two weeks go by without seeing D and it's clear she doesn't really have any desire to see me (see; previous entries for further explaination of this). ---- both Travolta and his Hired thugs are separately corned by cops and killed. The thugs in a sudden hail of gunfire, Travolta by Washington. Not the ending the average viewer had hoped for.
I don't really know what the point of mentioning this is, it just makes sense in my head. There isn't much that sucks more than a disappointing end to something that had otherwise been so satisfying. It leaves you feeling cheated and empty inside. That's how I felt after "Pelham" on a small, entertainment scale and that's how I'm feeling as the D saga limps its way toward the innevitable rolling of the credits.
"Eh, it was pretty good, ending kinda sucked though."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Slowing the Wheels Back to a Steady Pace
So today I finished this mother fucker of a project that had been laid before me on Monday. You see, another great thing about PA's (from the company perspective) is that they're just as skilled as the people in higher positions, if not more, yet they cost a fraction of the money and this can be exploited. The exploitable skill here; Photoshop and DVD Studio Pro. I wont bore you with the details, but let's just say it was an important task that should've been left in the hands of a classically trained graphic artist and not someone who just picked up the skills on the job over the course of time and only has a passing interest in the trade. Mostly as a hobby.
So anyways, due to the demands of the nitpicky higher ups and my less than necessary skills, the project took a long time. In a sense it was good because I had to learn some new tricks that will come in handy down the road, but still, I should've been getting paid a lot more money for it. In the end, I worked a thirteen hour day on Monday, fourteen and a half yesterday and ten and a half today before finishing the job and let me tell you I am wiped. I never even took lunch or dinner breaks, just ate while working.
The beauty of being wrapped up in work is that it helps get your mind off personal life frustrations, ie; the aforementioned D situation. Today, for the most part, I didn't think about or dwell on the topic. In fact, I've cooled down a lot after yesterday when I was ready to just break things off immediately. This is something I've learned after years of failed relationship attempts; usually your first instinct is wrong and you should always stop, take some time to think and at the least, sleep on things.
It's not that my opinion on the situation really changed, I still think she set me up with the whole open relationship as a sneaky way of easing us into a breakup, I've just decided to go about dealing with it in a different way. First, I was gonna break off all communication with her and let her come to me, nothing brash, just see what she does. In the afternoon she left me a random facebook comment which I found curious. Anyway, I deviated from this strategy when I got off work. You see, I was feeling really good and relieved after work, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, the project was done, was good and I could have some free time tonight before going to bed.
It was just as I was floating out of work that I decided I wanted something other than Subway for dinner, something somewhat celebratory, and not alone. I decided that since D lives so close, I'd call her up and see if she just wanted to eat with me. I debated for a second considering my ealier decision and said "fuck it," there's no reason to always be thinking strategically when it comes to this stuff, sometimes you gotta follow your immediate instinct and how you feel. So I called her, we had a nice little chat and she politely declined my dinner invitation due to the fact that she was already in the process of making dinner. Now I know the dinner excuse could've been a lie, but I honestly don't think it was, she was on the level. Regardless of whether or not it was a lie, one thing is for sure; she sure didn't seem too interested in hanging out with me despite the fact that we haven't seen each other in over a week when before that we were seeing each other 3-5 times a week. It was clear that she's in no hurry to see me again; yet another sign that I'm beeing steered to an inevitable crash into a brick wall. In fact, I think if I squint hard enough I can see a blood stained brick wall in the distance.
So that was that, I chatted with D this evening after being ignored by her yesterday for the first time and the conversation didn't really reveal much, nor did it do anything to dispel my theories of her trying to wane me off her and vice versa. Sure, nothing is resolved, but I'm feeling a little better about the situation today than I did yesterday, maybe it's just because I'm a little stressed out today with that project being done that it's open up more positive thoughts, maybe it's just because I've been down this road too many times and just don't really care enough to care anymore. I'm not too sure.
What I do know is that this is a situation that will be ongoing for at least a couple days. Originally I was gonna see if D wanted to hang out Saturday, but instead I think I'm gonna try to have a first "date" with this girl I've sort of had in my back pocket, by that I mean, she's been around if I want to date her but have been putting it off in pursuit of things with D. I think it's time for me to let D go and embrace this open relationship while it still has a few last, weak breaths left within it.
And as for tonight, I ended up going to Subway. Oh well, can't win 'em all.
So anyways, due to the demands of the nitpicky higher ups and my less than necessary skills, the project took a long time. In a sense it was good because I had to learn some new tricks that will come in handy down the road, but still, I should've been getting paid a lot more money for it. In the end, I worked a thirteen hour day on Monday, fourteen and a half yesterday and ten and a half today before finishing the job and let me tell you I am wiped. I never even took lunch or dinner breaks, just ate while working.
The beauty of being wrapped up in work is that it helps get your mind off personal life frustrations, ie; the aforementioned D situation. Today, for the most part, I didn't think about or dwell on the topic. In fact, I've cooled down a lot after yesterday when I was ready to just break things off immediately. This is something I've learned after years of failed relationship attempts; usually your first instinct is wrong and you should always stop, take some time to think and at the least, sleep on things.
It's not that my opinion on the situation really changed, I still think she set me up with the whole open relationship as a sneaky way of easing us into a breakup, I've just decided to go about dealing with it in a different way. First, I was gonna break off all communication with her and let her come to me, nothing brash, just see what she does. In the afternoon she left me a random facebook comment which I found curious. Anyway, I deviated from this strategy when I got off work. You see, I was feeling really good and relieved after work, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, the project was done, was good and I could have some free time tonight before going to bed.
It was just as I was floating out of work that I decided I wanted something other than Subway for dinner, something somewhat celebratory, and not alone. I decided that since D lives so close, I'd call her up and see if she just wanted to eat with me. I debated for a second considering my ealier decision and said "fuck it," there's no reason to always be thinking strategically when it comes to this stuff, sometimes you gotta follow your immediate instinct and how you feel. So I called her, we had a nice little chat and she politely declined my dinner invitation due to the fact that she was already in the process of making dinner. Now I know the dinner excuse could've been a lie, but I honestly don't think it was, she was on the level. Regardless of whether or not it was a lie, one thing is for sure; she sure didn't seem too interested in hanging out with me despite the fact that we haven't seen each other in over a week when before that we were seeing each other 3-5 times a week. It was clear that she's in no hurry to see me again; yet another sign that I'm beeing steered to an inevitable crash into a brick wall. In fact, I think if I squint hard enough I can see a blood stained brick wall in the distance.
So that was that, I chatted with D this evening after being ignored by her yesterday for the first time and the conversation didn't really reveal much, nor did it do anything to dispel my theories of her trying to wane me off her and vice versa. Sure, nothing is resolved, but I'm feeling a little better about the situation today than I did yesterday, maybe it's just because I'm a little stressed out today with that project being done that it's open up more positive thoughts, maybe it's just because I've been down this road too many times and just don't really care enough to care anymore. I'm not too sure.
What I do know is that this is a situation that will be ongoing for at least a couple days. Originally I was gonna see if D wanted to hang out Saturday, but instead I think I'm gonna try to have a first "date" with this girl I've sort of had in my back pocket, by that I mean, she's been around if I want to date her but have been putting it off in pursuit of things with D. I think it's time for me to let D go and embrace this open relationship while it still has a few last, weak breaths left within it.
And as for tonight, I ended up going to Subway. Oh well, can't win 'em all.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The First Confession
Everything you've read about me is true, I mean, everything you will read about me is true. I didn't come here to make things up, I came here to tell it like it is for me. Everything from here on out is truth, except for people's names, they will be changed. As for my name, well, that's not important.
Why I chose today to start doing this? I don't know, I guess that's just how things work out. Basically here's where I'm at in life. I'm a twenty-six year old male from the Midwest now living in LA. I work as a Production Assistant (PA) for a pretty big company in Hollywood. For those who don't know, PA is the dirt of the entertainment industry; we do all the work, get none of the pay and even less of the thanks. But we do it because we're told this is how you get places. This is pretty much a lie. Do lots of PA's get places? Sure. But, from what I've noticed, most of the higher ups are there because they already knew somebody. Another myth about being a PA is that the higher ups want us to believe that they're our friends, this too, is a lie. One thing I've learned in my 3+ years in the entertainment industry is that people work hard to get to high places in the business and they're not about to relinquish their position for some young, driven kid. I like to think of it like a mountain; with the PA's at the bottom trying to climb up, and all the higher ups standing in various places up above, along the way, throwing rocks down at us. This is my life right now, I do so much work for this company and get shit on day in and day out for very little money.
I kind of, sort of have/had a girlfriend. I'm still not totally sure what's going on but I'll tell you that right now it feels like our "relationship" is like a guy who was whacked over the back of the head once or twice with a crowbar and left for dead in an alley, and now he's just laying there bleeding to death wishing for someone to walk bye and put a bullet in his head. Basically I met this girl just about four months ago, we'll call her D. D and I met online, yep, not afraid to say it. It's not like I have trouble meeting girls, it's more like I have trouble meeting girls that are worth meeting, especially since I work so much. So I figured I'd try the online dating scene and much to my shock, it worked.
I met D on the site and we went on a date, well, at first we tried to go on a date but I had spent too much time partying the night before and couldn't successfully get over the hangover in time to meet up for brunch. I guess that could've have been considered an omen, but I don't know. She gave me another chance and we went on what was far and away the best first date I've ever been on. We totally just hit it off right away and closed the restaurant out talking, they had to kick us out. Things just kind of spiraled from there, for the next few weeks/months we were like boyfriend and girlfriend without officially being boyfriend and girlfriend and things were good, until two Sundays ago.
Two Sundays ago we're lying in bed together after fucking and we're talking. D decides to bring up the "where we are in our relationship" conversation. This was interestingly timed considering in the past week she had met three new male "friends" and had canceled our Saturday plans for a questionable business trip that was also a bit of a pleasure trip. I remember thinking to myself when she canceled our plans via text message that if she came back without any pictures and claimed to have forgotten her camera that something may be off. I thought this because this girl is a self proclaimed papparazzi. She brings her camera everywhere and is always taking pictures. Conveniently enough, she forgot her camera on this trip.
So this was strange to me, but honestly, at the time I just chalked it up to me being a dumb guy and I still would like to think I'm just being a dumb guy. After all, she's been pretty on point in the truth category, at least I think. Anyway, so she had been telling me that she considered me to be an investment with no return because I don't want to get married (at least I don't think I do) when she sequed into the topic at hand. At the time the conversation seemed to just move at its own pace, but as I look back on it now I can see that it was just a carefully thought out and worded way to break things off without actually breaking things off; a breakup loophole if you will.
She started by asking me where I thought things were going and where I wanted them to go, but would then pat me on the shoulder and say things like "we don't have to be exclusive" and "we can have an open relationship" and things of the sort. Now, what guy isn't going to at least want to give that idea a shot? I know I'm human. Hell, I'm not saying I want to have a long term relationship that develops into marriage with this girl, I mean, I was for the open relationship because I know this isn't forever and want to keep my options open. BUT, she made it seem like she wanted us to still go on like we have been and just have options open. This is not how it's panned out.
So far, since that night I haven't seen her once. She has done each of the following; made lame excuses when I tried to make plans with her (excuses that never used to exist), broken off plans with me, and today the most important one; not responded to a text message. Why is that so important? Because I made it clear when we first started seeing each other that there's nothing I hate more than when people don't return calls/texts and she assured me that she would never be that way. I do this with all budding relationships as something of a seed planting strategy. This way as long as the girl is interested in me she will ALWAYS respond, and the second she doesn't respond is when I know something is awry.
Basically, the long and short of it, is that since negotiating this "open relationship" with me, D has done nothing but show signs of someone who doesn't want to be in any relationship with me anymore. The fucked up thing is that I'm okay with us being done, but if it's gonna be done I want it done, quickly and honestly. Not like this. Especially since we swore to each other months ago that if one of us wanted to end it we would just be blunt and honest with the other. Now it looks like she's backed out of that bargain.
It's become fairly clear to me now that the open relationship idea was just a way to ease us into the inevitable breakup. I'm sure she's out right now decided which one of her new male "friends" is the one she's gonna replace me with, if not all of them. That wouldn't surprize me, after all, she did once tell me her number, and I won't say it here but it's pretty damn alarmingly astronomical. I let it slide because I liked her so much, but still, wow.
So that's where I am on a relationship standpoint. As of this moment I'm not sure where exactly it will go, I'm considering a pre-emptive breakup, just ending it myself the next time I see her, if I do see her. Haven't decided yet, we'll see.
This is where we begin. With me being an unhappy, underpaid PA in a dying relationship looking for direction. I've always got things going on in my life, and I'm here to talk about them.
Why I chose today to start doing this? I don't know, I guess that's just how things work out. Basically here's where I'm at in life. I'm a twenty-six year old male from the Midwest now living in LA. I work as a Production Assistant (PA) for a pretty big company in Hollywood. For those who don't know, PA is the dirt of the entertainment industry; we do all the work, get none of the pay and even less of the thanks. But we do it because we're told this is how you get places. This is pretty much a lie. Do lots of PA's get places? Sure. But, from what I've noticed, most of the higher ups are there because they already knew somebody. Another myth about being a PA is that the higher ups want us to believe that they're our friends, this too, is a lie. One thing I've learned in my 3+ years in the entertainment industry is that people work hard to get to high places in the business and they're not about to relinquish their position for some young, driven kid. I like to think of it like a mountain; with the PA's at the bottom trying to climb up, and all the higher ups standing in various places up above, along the way, throwing rocks down at us. This is my life right now, I do so much work for this company and get shit on day in and day out for very little money.
I kind of, sort of have/had a girlfriend. I'm still not totally sure what's going on but I'll tell you that right now it feels like our "relationship" is like a guy who was whacked over the back of the head once or twice with a crowbar and left for dead in an alley, and now he's just laying there bleeding to death wishing for someone to walk bye and put a bullet in his head. Basically I met this girl just about four months ago, we'll call her D. D and I met online, yep, not afraid to say it. It's not like I have trouble meeting girls, it's more like I have trouble meeting girls that are worth meeting, especially since I work so much. So I figured I'd try the online dating scene and much to my shock, it worked.
I met D on the site and we went on a date, well, at first we tried to go on a date but I had spent too much time partying the night before and couldn't successfully get over the hangover in time to meet up for brunch. I guess that could've have been considered an omen, but I don't know. She gave me another chance and we went on what was far and away the best first date I've ever been on. We totally just hit it off right away and closed the restaurant out talking, they had to kick us out. Things just kind of spiraled from there, for the next few weeks/months we were like boyfriend and girlfriend without officially being boyfriend and girlfriend and things were good, until two Sundays ago.
Two Sundays ago we're lying in bed together after fucking and we're talking. D decides to bring up the "where we are in our relationship" conversation. This was interestingly timed considering in the past week she had met three new male "friends" and had canceled our Saturday plans for a questionable business trip that was also a bit of a pleasure trip. I remember thinking to myself when she canceled our plans via text message that if she came back without any pictures and claimed to have forgotten her camera that something may be off. I thought this because this girl is a self proclaimed papparazzi. She brings her camera everywhere and is always taking pictures. Conveniently enough, she forgot her camera on this trip.
So this was strange to me, but honestly, at the time I just chalked it up to me being a dumb guy and I still would like to think I'm just being a dumb guy. After all, she's been pretty on point in the truth category, at least I think. Anyway, so she had been telling me that she considered me to be an investment with no return because I don't want to get married (at least I don't think I do) when she sequed into the topic at hand. At the time the conversation seemed to just move at its own pace, but as I look back on it now I can see that it was just a carefully thought out and worded way to break things off without actually breaking things off; a breakup loophole if you will.
She started by asking me where I thought things were going and where I wanted them to go, but would then pat me on the shoulder and say things like "we don't have to be exclusive" and "we can have an open relationship" and things of the sort. Now, what guy isn't going to at least want to give that idea a shot? I know I'm human. Hell, I'm not saying I want to have a long term relationship that develops into marriage with this girl, I mean, I was for the open relationship because I know this isn't forever and want to keep my options open. BUT, she made it seem like she wanted us to still go on like we have been and just have options open. This is not how it's panned out.
So far, since that night I haven't seen her once. She has done each of the following; made lame excuses when I tried to make plans with her (excuses that never used to exist), broken off plans with me, and today the most important one; not responded to a text message. Why is that so important? Because I made it clear when we first started seeing each other that there's nothing I hate more than when people don't return calls/texts and she assured me that she would never be that way. I do this with all budding relationships as something of a seed planting strategy. This way as long as the girl is interested in me she will ALWAYS respond, and the second she doesn't respond is when I know something is awry.
Basically, the long and short of it, is that since negotiating this "open relationship" with me, D has done nothing but show signs of someone who doesn't want to be in any relationship with me anymore. The fucked up thing is that I'm okay with us being done, but if it's gonna be done I want it done, quickly and honestly. Not like this. Especially since we swore to each other months ago that if one of us wanted to end it we would just be blunt and honest with the other. Now it looks like she's backed out of that bargain.
It's become fairly clear to me now that the open relationship idea was just a way to ease us into the inevitable breakup. I'm sure she's out right now decided which one of her new male "friends" is the one she's gonna replace me with, if not all of them. That wouldn't surprize me, after all, she did once tell me her number, and I won't say it here but it's pretty damn alarmingly astronomical. I let it slide because I liked her so much, but still, wow.
So that's where I am on a relationship standpoint. As of this moment I'm not sure where exactly it will go, I'm considering a pre-emptive breakup, just ending it myself the next time I see her, if I do see her. Haven't decided yet, we'll see.
This is where we begin. With me being an unhappy, underpaid PA in a dying relationship looking for direction. I've always got things going on in my life, and I'm here to talk about them.
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