Last Night's Grumblings

Tonight was one of those nights that reminds me just how unique my life can be. I don’t mean to sound like my life is super special and super different than everyone else’s in a better way, because that it is not, but seriously, things happen to me that I swear happen to nobody else.

Today, as a day, was nothing out of the ordinary. We can pretty much chalk it up as an average Saturday after a drunken Friday; lots of laying around the house with some laundry mixed in. The only real thing of note that occurred was a conversation with D, a pretty telling conversation actually. We had a nice chat, I was very honest and semi-straight-forward, I told her that I missed her and all the corny shit like that. In an essence, she lip serviced me and we made plans to hang out this week which I’m sure she’ll break. The one thing that was clear after it was all said and done is that she is indeed fucking someone else. She isn’t just out window shopping like I am, she is clearly getting fucked by at least one other guy, and this bugs me.

I know she’s fucking some other guy just because I know her and her ways. Basically, on the phone today, when I asked her what she was doing tonight she said she was going to a friend’s birthday party, and that was that. One month ago not only would I have been invited, but I would have been invited five days ago. Not only that, but the evil, curious part of me went to her facebook page and saw the very top wall post on her page by one of the three dudes of whom I know they exist that I’ve suspected is fucking her, well, the post just said “holler,” I clicked on his name to go to his page.

Much to my luck, although in hindsight I wish his shit was private so I hadn’t seen this, his page wasn’t private and the top wall post on it was from her and it basically said “holla front, now you gotta holla back.” Well, this may not seem like much to the unknown observer, but, when D and I were in very infant stages of seeing each other she sent the identical text message to me. In other words, this is her stock thing she does to guys she wants to fuck, don’t I feel used.

So, at this point I’m bummed and angry and I decide to do something about it. It’s at this point when I text the back pocket girl about seeing if she wants to hang out. She soon texts me back and we organize a meeting. I meet her out at a bar and we talk and have drinks and she’s cool, she’s fucking cool, and that’s where my problem occurs. I’m having drinks with this very attractive, quite cool girl and all I can think about is how I wish I was with D. What the fuck is wrong with me? I chose this, remember? I’m supposed to be happy, I’m supposed to be loving the fact that I can fuck other girls yet still have D, but I’m not, I’m miserable, and this is the moment I fully realize it.

I’m here, with a great girl and I couldn’t give a fuck. I only want to be with D, but it’s too late, the damage has been done, I ruined it. I’m such an asshole. So, the “date” proceeds and ends with me giving her a kiss on the cheek as we part ways. I call my friend A and agree to meet him and some other friends at a party and this is where my night becomes so unbelievably me.

I get to the party and start talking to two of my friends, there’s this girl on the fringe of the circle who they’re also talking to that’s cute but I’m not really paying attention to. After a few minutes she stands up and tells me she knows me and asks me my name. She asks me if I’ve ever been to Hermosa Beach and I’m still clueless as to who she is when I ask her her name, she says “Melanie” and that’s when it clicks; I fucked this girl about a year and a half ago in Hermosa. We had a one night stand and haven’t spoken nor seen each other since, yet we bump into each other here, now, random. We chat pleasantly and awkwardly and that’s about it, weird.

And that’s pretty much how my night was; awkward, random and weird. If I felt lost and confused three days ago, I’m an absolute mess right now. What do I do here? I know D, the woman whom I care more about than I should / have cared about more than any girl possibly ever, is fucking some other guy and it’s in a lot of ways my fault. I mean, what do I do? What do I think? She clearly brought this guy to the party tonight. I’ve suddenly become the B squad in her life and I don’t know what to do.

This upcoming week will be interesting. Not only will my good friend S be in town, but I have some plans to hang out with her as well. I feel confident that something important will happen, I just hope it’s not bad. I still don’t know how I want to handle the situation, I do know that I don’t like the thought of D fucking some stupid trendy pseudo hipster cock. But fuck man, I gave her permission, what the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of idiot signs his own death sentence?

I can’t wait for this situation to be resolved, I need to move on. I sometimes have problems moving on. It’s not like I dwell too much, but my life’s field is certainly ripe with instances in which things were going great with the opposite sex than were suddenly derailed which sent me into a temporary funk that totally screwed with my life; I’m actually pretty due for one of these funks. I need to do something to fend off the funk, what? I don’t know, but something has to be done. D is fucking someone else and I’m thinking about her when I should be fucking someone else. I need to figure out how I’m going to rectify this fucking miserable situation, until then I will continue to be a lost, wandering, miserable fuck.