Reflecting on the Future

Ahhhhh, nothing like a nice, long weekend away from everything to help bring you back down. I spent the four day 4th of July weekend in San Diego with friends doing lots of drinking. It was meant to be a cleansing weekend so I didn't hit on any girls. I thought about it and even wanted to at points, especially when really drunk, but to be honest, my game's a little rusty after having not doing much hitting on over the past four months. So, I didn't talk to any. I think it's safe to say that I'm keeping girls on the back burner between now and when I take my trip to the East Coast at the very end of the month / beginning of next month. I can't wait for that, I'd like to think I'll pull in a one nighter or two while I'm there then come back fully over D and ready to pound the pavement out here, we'll see.

The best part of the weekend, by far, was yesterday. Yesterday was Monday and I was supposed to go back to work but since it was my visiting friends' last day in town I called in sick and spent the day laying on the beach with my eyes closed and listening to the ocean. It was so relaxing, I didn't really think about much at the time, maybe a little reflecting on D. Seems to be the status quo for my thoughts these days.

I was thinking today about how commonplace this is for me. Over the years, regardless of how long I was seeing the girl for and how much or little I liked her, it always takes me a few days to fully get it out of my system. I'm, by nature, a very reflective person. I always find myself reliving the situations and generally wondering about things. I wonder about things that could have been said or done to change how the story played out, I also just reminisce about the best moments of the times we shared.

I think both parts, the latter especially, of the reflecting period will take a little longer with D for a few reasons.

1) D was / is by far the most interesting and infactuating girl I've ever been with. There was just something about her that is really hard to wash my hands clean of. I want to, bad, but it's been hard and will continue to be hard.

2) The fact that I didn't really want to end it. I'm not afraid to say it, I didn't want to end it. I still had strong feelings for D while I was ending it and I still have strong, lingering feelings for her now as I type this. I kept waiting and hoping for a moment that would bring everything back and make everything okay while I was ending it but it never happened. It was a lost cause. She wanted out, I knew it and I did what any good soldier would do to a dying man in the field; put her out of her misery. It was by far the toughest "breakup" I've ever had to do.

3) I had so many great memories with her. She took me to Disneyland. We went to all these amazing restaurants that I'd never been to before. Our weekend at Big Bear. As well as just many great little moments, you know, those moments that happen between you and someone special that capture everything that makes you two as a couple so special at that perticular moment? Lots of those.

4) I really didn't expect it to end so quick. I think the fact that it all ended so sudden and finitely really has had an effect on me. I mean, not too long ago we were making tentative plans for my birthday which is in September. We were also talking about planning a trip to San Fran in the Fall and then like a fucking punch to the stomach the wind is knocked out of everything and it's over.

I guess that's just the way that it goes and I need to get over it; fast. But I just don't think there's a fast in this process. I'm just gonna have to fight through it and hope it goes away sooner than it currently feels like it will go away. It would be nice to snag a one nighter at some point in the very near future. Those always work good to kind of remind you that there are other women out there that find you attractive and vice versa. Yeah, I'll be keeping my eyes out for one of those in the coming days and weeks.

On one last note, after this harsh money spending and hard drinking weekend I've decided not to drink AT ALL between now and when I go to the East Coast, mostly just to save money. I think this'll be good for me; goes with the whole cleansing process. Basically the next few weeks are a transitional phase for me; I'm cleansing my body of alchohol, I'm cleansing my mind of D and it'll all culminate in my big trip to the East Coast which will hopefully be followed by my long overdue promotion. Boy, writing that feels good, reading it over will surely feel better, but living it would certainly feel best. Here's to hoping it all plays out as well in real life as it does in my imagination.