Institutionalized

I had a weird realization about myself today. Remember in The Shawshank Redemption when Red goes on his little spiel about being "institutionalized?" If not I'll run it by real quick; basically he says he's institutionalized because he's been in prison so long that he doesn't know how to live in the outside world anymore.

Well, that's me, well, not with prison but with relationships. I'm almost 27 years old and if you were to add up all the time in my life I've spent in relationships it wouldn't even equal 1 full year, crazy. Especially considering that I've been with and had opportunities with quite a few women. But, the majority of my relationships, wait, all of my relationships have been post high-school, most of them post-college even.

I guess you could say I have a bit of an ugly duckling background. Although I can't say I was ever really ugly, more like a late bloomer. Puberty hit me HARD. I had awful acne, I had braces, I was deathly uncoordinated and my voice cracked hard every other word. Needless to say, when girls in my high school were looking to lose their virginity they went elsewhere. It wasn't 'til college, after the braces were gone, the acne had cleared, I'd regained my coordination and my voice had leveled off that I started having luck with women. A little bit at first, a lot after awhile.

Of course, I took to my newfound desirability like someone who had been broke then became rich overnight; I exploited it. I guess I was mad at the superficial girls from my high school and took it out on the young girls of Chicago, who knows, but what I do know is that I was bouncing around without ever really feeling much of anything and when I did feel something I made sure I stopped feeling it pretty quick.

Flash forward a few years to me living in LA in my mid 20's. I still have my appeal to women, one thing I can never complain about in my life is that I don't have trouble meeting and attracting women, I just have trouble sustaining things. Anyway, here I am, getting a little older and a little jaded on the whole bouncing around thing and thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to cool off and be with one girl for awhile.

Enter D, I've never hit it off with a girl like that. It was almost perfect and I thought we were gonna be together for awhile, then, at the first sign of any roadbumps I make a break for daylight like a running back blasting through a small hole. It was almost instictual, the second things got complicated I just didn't know how to nor want to deal with them so I broke the fuck out.

I think I know why; I've been single and bouncing around for so long that I don't know how to be in a relationship. It's almost like I'm addicted to the pain, loneliness and emptiness. In other words; I've become institutionilized.

There's a lot of guys out there that would trade places with me, I'm sure. But, after awhile you gotta start to think about the future and wonder how long you can sustain this lifestyle. Am I destined to end up as one of those 40 year old dudes out at the bar hitting on 20-somethings? Dear me I hope not. But, if I don't make a conscious effort to change my mentality on relationships that's exactly where I'll end up.

I'm not saying I'm gonna just go out and jump on the first girl I find that likes me. No, Instead I'm just going to make it a point to be more aware of this problem and not be afraid to face challenges and fight for what I want next time I find myself in a sinking relation"ship."

I don't regret my actions with D. I still believe it was the right move if only even because it brought out this revelation in me. Now I just have to make it a point to learn from this and all other similar experiences and grow from them.

I'm no longer that same angry kid, bitter kid taking out his high school angst on any willing girl who stepped in his path. I'm older now, I may be a little jaded but I'm an adult and I need to start handling these situations more like an adult.

Starting now.