I'm currently sitting here, wasting away the rest of my work day. A friend is flying into town last night and I cant wait. Unfortunately his flight was delayed, he should have already landed. Oh well. This is going to be a great week. I'm really looking forward to seeing how it plays out. I have Friday off due to the 4th, I may take sick day at some other point, and I'll be in San Diego for the 4th. Good things are right around the corner for the week. Unfortunately, this is about as positive as I'm going to get today.
D ignored a text of mine today; that's two. One more and we may be in trouble. It's becoming more and more clear that I've been relegated to her "I'll only deal with him when it's convenient for me" list. We have "concrete" plans to hang out on Thursday, and tentative ones for tomorrow, how those two days shape out is how I'm going to go about my next move. If things play out comparative to how they have been, or if she blows me off on both nights then it's time for me to cut my losses, make a break and move on. It might just be the best thing for me. One thing I've learned is that it's best to get out of these situations asap. Granted, I've failed doing this thus far considering I've been bitching about this for what seems like forever now, but sometimes it's hard to let go.
This situation with D combined with some knowledge I've gained from past relationships combined with knowledge I've gained from talking with and observing other people when it comes to relationships. This situation, coupled with everything I just listed, has allowed me to create a theory on the evolution of relationships and how people go about them. Bear with me here.
Back in the day it was basically men's choice; we chose our women, went after them and they were just happy to have a man for security, etc. Of course, back then just like now, some women were more desirable than men which led to competition for the favor of women; buying them things, doing other things to impress them, etc. After awhile, the women started to evolve and realize the power they had, and began to use and eventually abuse that power for their own gain.
That brings us to the age of gold-diggers and the like. You have these guys going out of their way and doing whatever they can to gain the approval of these women who, most of the time, don't even want them, just want to use them for their money. We are currently in the tail end of this era.
Men are now evolving to combat the abuse put on them by women. This is the birth of "the player" as it's become commonly known. After years of being used and abused by women, men have gotten tired of it and have realized that there's no point in trying to lock down a good woman for life; better to just use 'em and lose 'em. In other words, this is the root of the "death of romance" that D blogged about recently, the one I talked about not too long ago.
So, Basically what I'm trying to say is that people evolve, and this effects how we as a society go about our relationships. Right now we're in mid evolution, nobody really acknowledges it yet but there's a war going on, a power struggle between the two sexes. The women are trying to clutch onto their power and the men are trying to take it back by reversing the using.
The invention of "the player" is a direct response to the gold-digger in my opinion. Any man who's been around the dating block knows that women, as a species, are heartless, especially when their young. And that's when the tables turn, but I'll get to that in a second. I've always said that behind every player and guy who treats women like shit is a sadsob broken heart story that involves a heartless bitch wrecking him. This is the evolution, men have gotten sick of the abuse and are striking back.
The beauty of it all, from a guy's perspective, is that men age better than women. When men are young they go hard at women, looking for a future wife but the women are young, hot and have their whole life ahead of them and think it's gonna last forever so they blow us off. Then when we get older the tables turn; the women start to lose their looks and begin the desperate scramble for a husband while the men start to hit their stride and want to keep bouncing around. This is the real cause for the death of romance. Or at least part of it. The counter evolution of men to combat the evolution of women.
What does this all mean? I don't know. It's just a rough outline of a theory I have. I'm just gonna leave it at that for now.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Lonely Smoothie
Not to beat a dead horse and continue with the D topics, but really, that's what's dominating my mind right now. I need to meet someone that will push her out of my mind, but for now she's definitely dug her claws into my psyche and isn't moving.
Anyway, we used to have this great little tradition; we'd go out on Saturday then she'd stay over, we'd sleep in on Sunday then I would make homemade smoothies for the both of us and we would sit 0n the couch, cuddle and drink our smoothies. Yeah, it was pretty lame and dorky and what not, but it was also great.
The past two Sundays don't count because she was reportedly out of town two weeks ago and I was out of town last week. So, today was the first Sunday in quite some time in which I drank my smoothie alone. It was an empty, unpleasant feeling. I sat on the couch, alone, drinking my smoothie and longed for it to be a month ago again.
A sad moment.
I get the feeling things are about to turn though. One of my best friends is coming into town tomorrow for the week, a week that will culminate in spending a wild, wild 4th of July in San Diego. Something good is gonna happen, I just know it. Soon my words will be more positive.
Anyway, we used to have this great little tradition; we'd go out on Saturday then she'd stay over, we'd sleep in on Sunday then I would make homemade smoothies for the both of us and we would sit 0n the couch, cuddle and drink our smoothies. Yeah, it was pretty lame and dorky and what not, but it was also great.
The past two Sundays don't count because she was reportedly out of town two weeks ago and I was out of town last week. So, today was the first Sunday in quite some time in which I drank my smoothie alone. It was an empty, unpleasant feeling. I sat on the couch, alone, drinking my smoothie and longed for it to be a month ago again.
A sad moment.
I get the feeling things are about to turn though. One of my best friends is coming into town tomorrow for the week, a week that will culminate in spending a wild, wild 4th of July in San Diego. Something good is gonna happen, I just know it. Soon my words will be more positive.
Last Night's Grumblings
Tonight was one of those nights that reminds me just how unique my life can be. I don’t mean to sound like my life is super special and super different than everyone else’s in a better way, because that it is not, but seriously, things happen to me that I swear happen to nobody else.
Today, as a day, was nothing out of the ordinary. We can pretty much chalk it up as an average Saturday after a drunken Friday; lots of laying around the house with some laundry mixed in. The only real thing of note that occurred was a conversation with D, a pretty telling conversation actually. We had a nice chat, I was very honest and semi-straight-forward, I told her that I missed her and all the corny shit like that. In an essence, she lip serviced me and we made plans to hang out this week which I’m sure she’ll break. The one thing that was clear after it was all said and done is that she is indeed fucking someone else. She isn’t just out window shopping like I am, she is clearly getting fucked by at least one other guy, and this bugs me.
I know she’s fucking some other guy just because I know her and her ways. Basically, on the phone today, when I asked her what she was doing tonight she said she was going to a friend’s birthday party, and that was that. One month ago not only would I have been invited, but I would have been invited five days ago. Not only that, but the evil, curious part of me went to her facebook page and saw the very top wall post on her page by one of the three dudes of whom I know they exist that I’ve suspected is fucking her, well, the post just said “holler,” I clicked on his name to go to his page.
Much to my luck, although in hindsight I wish his shit was private so I hadn’t seen this, his page wasn’t private and the top wall post on it was from her and it basically said “holla front, now you gotta holla back.” Well, this may not seem like much to the unknown observer, but, when D and I were in very infant stages of seeing each other she sent the identical text message to me. In other words, this is her stock thing she does to guys she wants to fuck, don’t I feel used.
So, at this point I’m bummed and angry and I decide to do something about it. It’s at this point when I text the back pocket girl about seeing if she wants to hang out. She soon texts me back and we organize a meeting. I meet her out at a bar and we talk and have drinks and she’s cool, she’s fucking cool, and that’s where my problem occurs. I’m having drinks with this very attractive, quite cool girl and all I can think about is how I wish I was with D. What the fuck is wrong with me? I chose this, remember? I’m supposed to be happy, I’m supposed to be loving the fact that I can fuck other girls yet still have D, but I’m not, I’m miserable, and this is the moment I fully realize it.
I’m here, with a great girl and I couldn’t give a fuck. I only want to be with D, but it’s too late, the damage has been done, I ruined it. I’m such an asshole. So, the “date” proceeds and ends with me giving her a kiss on the cheek as we part ways. I call my friend A and agree to meet him and some other friends at a party and this is where my night becomes so unbelievably me.
I get to the party and start talking to two of my friends, there’s this girl on the fringe of the circle who they’re also talking to that’s cute but I’m not really paying attention to. After a few minutes she stands up and tells me she knows me and asks me my name. She asks me if I’ve ever been to Hermosa Beach and I’m still clueless as to who she is when I ask her her name, she says “Melanie” and that’s when it clicks; I fucked this girl about a year and a half ago in Hermosa. We had a one night stand and haven’t spoken nor seen each other since, yet we bump into each other here, now, random. We chat pleasantly and awkwardly and that’s about it, weird.
And that’s pretty much how my night was; awkward, random and weird. If I felt lost and confused three days ago, I’m an absolute mess right now. What do I do here? I know D, the woman whom I care more about than I should / have cared about more than any girl possibly ever, is fucking some other guy and it’s in a lot of ways my fault. I mean, what do I do? What do I think? She clearly brought this guy to the party tonight. I’ve suddenly become the B squad in her life and I don’t know what to do.
This upcoming week will be interesting. Not only will my good friend S be in town, but I have some plans to hang out with her as well. I feel confident that something important will happen, I just hope it’s not bad. I still don’t know how I want to handle the situation, I do know that I don’t like the thought of D fucking some stupid trendy pseudo hipster cock. But fuck man, I gave her permission, what the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of idiot signs his own death sentence?
I can’t wait for this situation to be resolved, I need to move on. I sometimes have problems moving on. It’s not like I dwell too much, but my life’s field is certainly ripe with instances in which things were going great with the opposite sex than were suddenly derailed which sent me into a temporary funk that totally screwed with my life; I’m actually pretty due for one of these funks. I need to do something to fend off the funk, what? I don’t know, but something has to be done. D is fucking someone else and I’m thinking about her when I should be fucking someone else. I need to figure out how I’m going to rectify this fucking miserable situation, until then I will continue to be a lost, wandering, miserable fuck.
Today, as a day, was nothing out of the ordinary. We can pretty much chalk it up as an average Saturday after a drunken Friday; lots of laying around the house with some laundry mixed in. The only real thing of note that occurred was a conversation with D, a pretty telling conversation actually. We had a nice chat, I was very honest and semi-straight-forward, I told her that I missed her and all the corny shit like that. In an essence, she lip serviced me and we made plans to hang out this week which I’m sure she’ll break. The one thing that was clear after it was all said and done is that she is indeed fucking someone else. She isn’t just out window shopping like I am, she is clearly getting fucked by at least one other guy, and this bugs me.
I know she’s fucking some other guy just because I know her and her ways. Basically, on the phone today, when I asked her what she was doing tonight she said she was going to a friend’s birthday party, and that was that. One month ago not only would I have been invited, but I would have been invited five days ago. Not only that, but the evil, curious part of me went to her facebook page and saw the very top wall post on her page by one of the three dudes of whom I know they exist that I’ve suspected is fucking her, well, the post just said “holler,” I clicked on his name to go to his page.
Much to my luck, although in hindsight I wish his shit was private so I hadn’t seen this, his page wasn’t private and the top wall post on it was from her and it basically said “holla front, now you gotta holla back.” Well, this may not seem like much to the unknown observer, but, when D and I were in very infant stages of seeing each other she sent the identical text message to me. In other words, this is her stock thing she does to guys she wants to fuck, don’t I feel used.
So, at this point I’m bummed and angry and I decide to do something about it. It’s at this point when I text the back pocket girl about seeing if she wants to hang out. She soon texts me back and we organize a meeting. I meet her out at a bar and we talk and have drinks and she’s cool, she’s fucking cool, and that’s where my problem occurs. I’m having drinks with this very attractive, quite cool girl and all I can think about is how I wish I was with D. What the fuck is wrong with me? I chose this, remember? I’m supposed to be happy, I’m supposed to be loving the fact that I can fuck other girls yet still have D, but I’m not, I’m miserable, and this is the moment I fully realize it.
I’m here, with a great girl and I couldn’t give a fuck. I only want to be with D, but it’s too late, the damage has been done, I ruined it. I’m such an asshole. So, the “date” proceeds and ends with me giving her a kiss on the cheek as we part ways. I call my friend A and agree to meet him and some other friends at a party and this is where my night becomes so unbelievably me.
I get to the party and start talking to two of my friends, there’s this girl on the fringe of the circle who they’re also talking to that’s cute but I’m not really paying attention to. After a few minutes she stands up and tells me she knows me and asks me my name. She asks me if I’ve ever been to Hermosa Beach and I’m still clueless as to who she is when I ask her her name, she says “Melanie” and that’s when it clicks; I fucked this girl about a year and a half ago in Hermosa. We had a one night stand and haven’t spoken nor seen each other since, yet we bump into each other here, now, random. We chat pleasantly and awkwardly and that’s about it, weird.
And that’s pretty much how my night was; awkward, random and weird. If I felt lost and confused three days ago, I’m an absolute mess right now. What do I do here? I know D, the woman whom I care more about than I should / have cared about more than any girl possibly ever, is fucking some other guy and it’s in a lot of ways my fault. I mean, what do I do? What do I think? She clearly brought this guy to the party tonight. I’ve suddenly become the B squad in her life and I don’t know what to do.
This upcoming week will be interesting. Not only will my good friend S be in town, but I have some plans to hang out with her as well. I feel confident that something important will happen, I just hope it’s not bad. I still don’t know how I want to handle the situation, I do know that I don’t like the thought of D fucking some stupid trendy pseudo hipster cock. But fuck man, I gave her permission, what the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of idiot signs his own death sentence?
I can’t wait for this situation to be resolved, I need to move on. I sometimes have problems moving on. It’s not like I dwell too much, but my life’s field is certainly ripe with instances in which things were going great with the opposite sex than were suddenly derailed which sent me into a temporary funk that totally screwed with my life; I’m actually pretty due for one of these funks. I need to do something to fend off the funk, what? I don’t know, but something has to be done. D is fucking someone else and I’m thinking about her when I should be fucking someone else. I need to figure out how I’m going to rectify this fucking miserable situation, until then I will continue to be a lost, wandering, miserable fuck.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Plot Thickens
So my shit has officially been flipped upside down. Today was a pretty slow, by the books day at work. Nothing really exciting except for the crowd of people outside mourning Michael Jackson at his walk of fame star. I had a short email correspondence with D that didn't really change my opinions on anything.
It wasn't until about fifteen minutes ago when I read her latest blog entry. I'm killing some time waiting for friends to get here and stop by her blog page to find a new entry. I'm pretty sure it's about me, or at least very inspired by me and our relationship. I won't go into details but it's about the death of romance and how young, hopeful people become numb and hardened and are afraid to take the relationship leap because they feel like it's just gonna end anyway.
That is so me, so fucking me, and she referenced it in one of her emails this morning. I just talked about it with my roommate and thinks that I may actually be the one doing the hurting in this relationship, not the other way around. He brought to my attention that maybe the whole open relationship was actually a test, not a ploy, and I failed it miserably. I fucking failed hard. Granted, I haven't had a true relationship, well, ever, and the thought of it scares me. But at the same time, after reading her blog and talking with me roommate I'm not sure what scares me more; the thought of committing to one girl, or the thought of losing D.
I just don't know right now. I think the best thing to do is to put it out of my mind for a night, kick back, drink some beers and enjoy my night with some of my boys. Tomorrow isn't far away, and tomorrow is when I should make my decision, to use a very cliche term; shit or get off the pot.
I really like D, but I really like having options. But in the end what they say is true, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Whatever the hell that means, it actually doesn't really make sense, but whatever. It comes down to this, instead of sitting here bitching about D and bemoaning the apparent death of our relationship, I need to take a stand on one side of the line or the other and handle it already.
It wasn't until about fifteen minutes ago when I read her latest blog entry. I'm killing some time waiting for friends to get here and stop by her blog page to find a new entry. I'm pretty sure it's about me, or at least very inspired by me and our relationship. I won't go into details but it's about the death of romance and how young, hopeful people become numb and hardened and are afraid to take the relationship leap because they feel like it's just gonna end anyway.
That is so me, so fucking me, and she referenced it in one of her emails this morning. I just talked about it with my roommate and thinks that I may actually be the one doing the hurting in this relationship, not the other way around. He brought to my attention that maybe the whole open relationship was actually a test, not a ploy, and I failed it miserably. I fucking failed hard. Granted, I haven't had a true relationship, well, ever, and the thought of it scares me. But at the same time, after reading her blog and talking with me roommate I'm not sure what scares me more; the thought of committing to one girl, or the thought of losing D.
I just don't know right now. I think the best thing to do is to put it out of my mind for a night, kick back, drink some beers and enjoy my night with some of my boys. Tomorrow isn't far away, and tomorrow is when I should make my decision, to use a very cliche term; shit or get off the pot.
I really like D, but I really like having options. But in the end what they say is true, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Whatever the hell that means, it actually doesn't really make sense, but whatever. It comes down to this, instead of sitting here bitching about D and bemoaning the apparent death of our relationship, I need to take a stand on one side of the line or the other and handle it already.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
We all Need a Nice, Calm, Dog Danglin' Day Sometimes
Talk about an uneventful day today, especially considering the events of, oh I don't know, the last ten. Work moved at a slower pace than that of a snail after spending the first three days of this week at a breakneck pace, and you know what? It was great. I didn't have any contact with D so there were no new developments there so that's that on that front.
Probably the most exciting thing going on today was the setup for the Bruno premier outside. One nice thing about my shitty job is that my shitty company's office is located in the building right across the street from The Chinese Theater in Hollywood and we have an amazing view of it. So when there's a big premiere we have probably the best view in the world. The setup for Bruno was fittingly guady, and it lasted all day in the same fashion as all big premieres. As much as I wanted to be there and see how it all went down, this was the first day this week when I was able to leave at a decent time and I had to take that opportunity to run far far away from that place as fast as I could.
I actually made it to the gym for the first time this week, sad because I had planned to go at least three times this week. That's usually how things work at the company, it's like they know you've got plans so they fucking torch them every fucking time.
That's really about that I guess, the Bulls drafted two guys I've never heard of, hopefully they're not corpses. One of my good friends is in town but I sadly wont see him 'til tomorrow. That should be an exciting time. I had a nice, short chat with the back pocket girl tonight, I'll probably try to set something up for the weekend with her so we'll have to wait and see how that goes.
Other than that, I guess that about does it for today. Time to get rested up for what is gonna be a long 9 or so day period. People coming into town, road trips to San Diego and lots of stuff that I haven't found about about yet. Can't wait.
Probably the most exciting thing going on today was the setup for the Bruno premier outside. One nice thing about my shitty job is that my shitty company's office is located in the building right across the street from The Chinese Theater in Hollywood and we have an amazing view of it. So when there's a big premiere we have probably the best view in the world. The setup for Bruno was fittingly guady, and it lasted all day in the same fashion as all big premieres. As much as I wanted to be there and see how it all went down, this was the first day this week when I was able to leave at a decent time and I had to take that opportunity to run far far away from that place as fast as I could.
I actually made it to the gym for the first time this week, sad because I had planned to go at least three times this week. That's usually how things work at the company, it's like they know you've got plans so they fucking torch them every fucking time.
That's really about that I guess, the Bulls drafted two guys I've never heard of, hopefully they're not corpses. One of my good friends is in town but I sadly wont see him 'til tomorrow. That should be an exciting time. I had a nice, short chat with the back pocket girl tonight, I'll probably try to set something up for the weekend with her so we'll have to wait and see how that goes.
Other than that, I guess that about does it for today. Time to get rested up for what is gonna be a long 9 or so day period. People coming into town, road trips to San Diego and lots of stuff that I haven't found about about yet. Can't wait.
The Collapsing of a Relationship 1 2 3
I had a thought on my way to work this morning about, yep, you guessed it, my failing relationship with the one and only D. Man, I really hope this saga gets its closure soon so I can start focusing on other, more important topics. But for now, this is what is front and center in my mind.
Anyway, I was thinking about things while driving earlier and I realized that the story arch of our relationship has been very similar to that of a movie that's quite good and exciting for the first 85 minutes, then craps out for the last 5-10 and leaves you feeling confused and unsatisfied. Last week I watched "The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3" and had that exact feeling when the movie ended. So, although other movies could be used as examples, "Pelham" is the one I've seen most recently so I'm gonna do a quick story point by story point comparison of the two.
- I meet D; we talk a little via email / phone a little before meeting up and having our first date which ends up being the best first date I've ever had. We have two more dates after this that get progressively better and end with our first kiss session ---- The opening credits roll, quick cuts between Travolta and Washington starting their days. Travolta and his boys hijack the train and we're off and running.
- D and I have sex for the first time on only our fourth date, about two weeks after the first one. It's sudden and it's awesome ---- Travolta kills the first passenger and we now know he's not bluffing like Ed Harris in "The Rock." Quite the opposite actually, he's not fucking around.
- D and my relationship continues to blossom and be exciting and fresh and always full of surprises. We aren't bored of each other, in fact we can't get enough of each other. ---- The story progresses as Travolta and Washington's relationship builds, we learn of the computer on the floor, more people die, car crashes, etc etc.
- D begins the first in a series of interesting moves and things said. She starts doing things in her free time that she hadn't been doing and suddenly has all these new dude friends as well as less time for me. ---- Washington and Travolta meet, money is exchanged and the Travolta gang tricks the cops and escapes the subway into a hotel.
- D brings up the open relationship idea and I agree, thinking at the moment that it's not a bad idea and is worth trying. ---- Travolta and his hired thugs shake hands and go their separate ways upon exiting the hotel, thinking they've gotten away.
- Almost two weeks go by without seeing D and it's clear she doesn't really have any desire to see me (see; previous entries for further explaination of this). ---- both Travolta and his Hired thugs are separately corned by cops and killed. The thugs in a sudden hail of gunfire, Travolta by Washington. Not the ending the average viewer had hoped for.
I don't really know what the point of mentioning this is, it just makes sense in my head. There isn't much that sucks more than a disappointing end to something that had otherwise been so satisfying. It leaves you feeling cheated and empty inside. That's how I felt after "Pelham" on a small, entertainment scale and that's how I'm feeling as the D saga limps its way toward the innevitable rolling of the credits.
"Eh, it was pretty good, ending kinda sucked though."
Anyway, I was thinking about things while driving earlier and I realized that the story arch of our relationship has been very similar to that of a movie that's quite good and exciting for the first 85 minutes, then craps out for the last 5-10 and leaves you feeling confused and unsatisfied. Last week I watched "The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3" and had that exact feeling when the movie ended. So, although other movies could be used as examples, "Pelham" is the one I've seen most recently so I'm gonna do a quick story point by story point comparison of the two.
- I meet D; we talk a little via email / phone a little before meeting up and having our first date which ends up being the best first date I've ever had. We have two more dates after this that get progressively better and end with our first kiss session ---- The opening credits roll, quick cuts between Travolta and Washington starting their days. Travolta and his boys hijack the train and we're off and running.
- D and I have sex for the first time on only our fourth date, about two weeks after the first one. It's sudden and it's awesome ---- Travolta kills the first passenger and we now know he's not bluffing like Ed Harris in "The Rock." Quite the opposite actually, he's not fucking around.
- D and my relationship continues to blossom and be exciting and fresh and always full of surprises. We aren't bored of each other, in fact we can't get enough of each other. ---- The story progresses as Travolta and Washington's relationship builds, we learn of the computer on the floor, more people die, car crashes, etc etc.
- D begins the first in a series of interesting moves and things said. She starts doing things in her free time that she hadn't been doing and suddenly has all these new dude friends as well as less time for me. ---- Washington and Travolta meet, money is exchanged and the Travolta gang tricks the cops and escapes the subway into a hotel.
- D brings up the open relationship idea and I agree, thinking at the moment that it's not a bad idea and is worth trying. ---- Travolta and his hired thugs shake hands and go their separate ways upon exiting the hotel, thinking they've gotten away.
- Almost two weeks go by without seeing D and it's clear she doesn't really have any desire to see me (see; previous entries for further explaination of this). ---- both Travolta and his Hired thugs are separately corned by cops and killed. The thugs in a sudden hail of gunfire, Travolta by Washington. Not the ending the average viewer had hoped for.
I don't really know what the point of mentioning this is, it just makes sense in my head. There isn't much that sucks more than a disappointing end to something that had otherwise been so satisfying. It leaves you feeling cheated and empty inside. That's how I felt after "Pelham" on a small, entertainment scale and that's how I'm feeling as the D saga limps its way toward the innevitable rolling of the credits.
"Eh, it was pretty good, ending kinda sucked though."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Slowing the Wheels Back to a Steady Pace
So today I finished this mother fucker of a project that had been laid before me on Monday. You see, another great thing about PA's (from the company perspective) is that they're just as skilled as the people in higher positions, if not more, yet they cost a fraction of the money and this can be exploited. The exploitable skill here; Photoshop and DVD Studio Pro. I wont bore you with the details, but let's just say it was an important task that should've been left in the hands of a classically trained graphic artist and not someone who just picked up the skills on the job over the course of time and only has a passing interest in the trade. Mostly as a hobby.
So anyways, due to the demands of the nitpicky higher ups and my less than necessary skills, the project took a long time. In a sense it was good because I had to learn some new tricks that will come in handy down the road, but still, I should've been getting paid a lot more money for it. In the end, I worked a thirteen hour day on Monday, fourteen and a half yesterday and ten and a half today before finishing the job and let me tell you I am wiped. I never even took lunch or dinner breaks, just ate while working.
The beauty of being wrapped up in work is that it helps get your mind off personal life frustrations, ie; the aforementioned D situation. Today, for the most part, I didn't think about or dwell on the topic. In fact, I've cooled down a lot after yesterday when I was ready to just break things off immediately. This is something I've learned after years of failed relationship attempts; usually your first instinct is wrong and you should always stop, take some time to think and at the least, sleep on things.
It's not that my opinion on the situation really changed, I still think she set me up with the whole open relationship as a sneaky way of easing us into a breakup, I've just decided to go about dealing with it in a different way. First, I was gonna break off all communication with her and let her come to me, nothing brash, just see what she does. In the afternoon she left me a random facebook comment which I found curious. Anyway, I deviated from this strategy when I got off work. You see, I was feeling really good and relieved after work, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, the project was done, was good and I could have some free time tonight before going to bed.
It was just as I was floating out of work that I decided I wanted something other than Subway for dinner, something somewhat celebratory, and not alone. I decided that since D lives so close, I'd call her up and see if she just wanted to eat with me. I debated for a second considering my ealier decision and said "fuck it," there's no reason to always be thinking strategically when it comes to this stuff, sometimes you gotta follow your immediate instinct and how you feel. So I called her, we had a nice little chat and she politely declined my dinner invitation due to the fact that she was already in the process of making dinner. Now I know the dinner excuse could've been a lie, but I honestly don't think it was, she was on the level. Regardless of whether or not it was a lie, one thing is for sure; she sure didn't seem too interested in hanging out with me despite the fact that we haven't seen each other in over a week when before that we were seeing each other 3-5 times a week. It was clear that she's in no hurry to see me again; yet another sign that I'm beeing steered to an inevitable crash into a brick wall. In fact, I think if I squint hard enough I can see a blood stained brick wall in the distance.
So that was that, I chatted with D this evening after being ignored by her yesterday for the first time and the conversation didn't really reveal much, nor did it do anything to dispel my theories of her trying to wane me off her and vice versa. Sure, nothing is resolved, but I'm feeling a little better about the situation today than I did yesterday, maybe it's just because I'm a little stressed out today with that project being done that it's open up more positive thoughts, maybe it's just because I've been down this road too many times and just don't really care enough to care anymore. I'm not too sure.
What I do know is that this is a situation that will be ongoing for at least a couple days. Originally I was gonna see if D wanted to hang out Saturday, but instead I think I'm gonna try to have a first "date" with this girl I've sort of had in my back pocket, by that I mean, she's been around if I want to date her but have been putting it off in pursuit of things with D. I think it's time for me to let D go and embrace this open relationship while it still has a few last, weak breaths left within it.
And as for tonight, I ended up going to Subway. Oh well, can't win 'em all.
So anyways, due to the demands of the nitpicky higher ups and my less than necessary skills, the project took a long time. In a sense it was good because I had to learn some new tricks that will come in handy down the road, but still, I should've been getting paid a lot more money for it. In the end, I worked a thirteen hour day on Monday, fourteen and a half yesterday and ten and a half today before finishing the job and let me tell you I am wiped. I never even took lunch or dinner breaks, just ate while working.
The beauty of being wrapped up in work is that it helps get your mind off personal life frustrations, ie; the aforementioned D situation. Today, for the most part, I didn't think about or dwell on the topic. In fact, I've cooled down a lot after yesterday when I was ready to just break things off immediately. This is something I've learned after years of failed relationship attempts; usually your first instinct is wrong and you should always stop, take some time to think and at the least, sleep on things.
It's not that my opinion on the situation really changed, I still think she set me up with the whole open relationship as a sneaky way of easing us into a breakup, I've just decided to go about dealing with it in a different way. First, I was gonna break off all communication with her and let her come to me, nothing brash, just see what she does. In the afternoon she left me a random facebook comment which I found curious. Anyway, I deviated from this strategy when I got off work. You see, I was feeling really good and relieved after work, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, the project was done, was good and I could have some free time tonight before going to bed.
It was just as I was floating out of work that I decided I wanted something other than Subway for dinner, something somewhat celebratory, and not alone. I decided that since D lives so close, I'd call her up and see if she just wanted to eat with me. I debated for a second considering my ealier decision and said "fuck it," there's no reason to always be thinking strategically when it comes to this stuff, sometimes you gotta follow your immediate instinct and how you feel. So I called her, we had a nice little chat and she politely declined my dinner invitation due to the fact that she was already in the process of making dinner. Now I know the dinner excuse could've been a lie, but I honestly don't think it was, she was on the level. Regardless of whether or not it was a lie, one thing is for sure; she sure didn't seem too interested in hanging out with me despite the fact that we haven't seen each other in over a week when before that we were seeing each other 3-5 times a week. It was clear that she's in no hurry to see me again; yet another sign that I'm beeing steered to an inevitable crash into a brick wall. In fact, I think if I squint hard enough I can see a blood stained brick wall in the distance.
So that was that, I chatted with D this evening after being ignored by her yesterday for the first time and the conversation didn't really reveal much, nor did it do anything to dispel my theories of her trying to wane me off her and vice versa. Sure, nothing is resolved, but I'm feeling a little better about the situation today than I did yesterday, maybe it's just because I'm a little stressed out today with that project being done that it's open up more positive thoughts, maybe it's just because I've been down this road too many times and just don't really care enough to care anymore. I'm not too sure.
What I do know is that this is a situation that will be ongoing for at least a couple days. Originally I was gonna see if D wanted to hang out Saturday, but instead I think I'm gonna try to have a first "date" with this girl I've sort of had in my back pocket, by that I mean, she's been around if I want to date her but have been putting it off in pursuit of things with D. I think it's time for me to let D go and embrace this open relationship while it still has a few last, weak breaths left within it.
And as for tonight, I ended up going to Subway. Oh well, can't win 'em all.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The First Confession
Everything you've read about me is true, I mean, everything you will read about me is true. I didn't come here to make things up, I came here to tell it like it is for me. Everything from here on out is truth, except for people's names, they will be changed. As for my name, well, that's not important.
Why I chose today to start doing this? I don't know, I guess that's just how things work out. Basically here's where I'm at in life. I'm a twenty-six year old male from the Midwest now living in LA. I work as a Production Assistant (PA) for a pretty big company in Hollywood. For those who don't know, PA is the dirt of the entertainment industry; we do all the work, get none of the pay and even less of the thanks. But we do it because we're told this is how you get places. This is pretty much a lie. Do lots of PA's get places? Sure. But, from what I've noticed, most of the higher ups are there because they already knew somebody. Another myth about being a PA is that the higher ups want us to believe that they're our friends, this too, is a lie. One thing I've learned in my 3+ years in the entertainment industry is that people work hard to get to high places in the business and they're not about to relinquish their position for some young, driven kid. I like to think of it like a mountain; with the PA's at the bottom trying to climb up, and all the higher ups standing in various places up above, along the way, throwing rocks down at us. This is my life right now, I do so much work for this company and get shit on day in and day out for very little money.
I kind of, sort of have/had a girlfriend. I'm still not totally sure what's going on but I'll tell you that right now it feels like our "relationship" is like a guy who was whacked over the back of the head once or twice with a crowbar and left for dead in an alley, and now he's just laying there bleeding to death wishing for someone to walk bye and put a bullet in his head. Basically I met this girl just about four months ago, we'll call her D. D and I met online, yep, not afraid to say it. It's not like I have trouble meeting girls, it's more like I have trouble meeting girls that are worth meeting, especially since I work so much. So I figured I'd try the online dating scene and much to my shock, it worked.
I met D on the site and we went on a date, well, at first we tried to go on a date but I had spent too much time partying the night before and couldn't successfully get over the hangover in time to meet up for brunch. I guess that could've have been considered an omen, but I don't know. She gave me another chance and we went on what was far and away the best first date I've ever been on. We totally just hit it off right away and closed the restaurant out talking, they had to kick us out. Things just kind of spiraled from there, for the next few weeks/months we were like boyfriend and girlfriend without officially being boyfriend and girlfriend and things were good, until two Sundays ago.
Two Sundays ago we're lying in bed together after fucking and we're talking. D decides to bring up the "where we are in our relationship" conversation. This was interestingly timed considering in the past week she had met three new male "friends" and had canceled our Saturday plans for a questionable business trip that was also a bit of a pleasure trip. I remember thinking to myself when she canceled our plans via text message that if she came back without any pictures and claimed to have forgotten her camera that something may be off. I thought this because this girl is a self proclaimed papparazzi. She brings her camera everywhere and is always taking pictures. Conveniently enough, she forgot her camera on this trip.
So this was strange to me, but honestly, at the time I just chalked it up to me being a dumb guy and I still would like to think I'm just being a dumb guy. After all, she's been pretty on point in the truth category, at least I think. Anyway, so she had been telling me that she considered me to be an investment with no return because I don't want to get married (at least I don't think I do) when she sequed into the topic at hand. At the time the conversation seemed to just move at its own pace, but as I look back on it now I can see that it was just a carefully thought out and worded way to break things off without actually breaking things off; a breakup loophole if you will.
She started by asking me where I thought things were going and where I wanted them to go, but would then pat me on the shoulder and say things like "we don't have to be exclusive" and "we can have an open relationship" and things of the sort. Now, what guy isn't going to at least want to give that idea a shot? I know I'm human. Hell, I'm not saying I want to have a long term relationship that develops into marriage with this girl, I mean, I was for the open relationship because I know this isn't forever and want to keep my options open. BUT, she made it seem like she wanted us to still go on like we have been and just have options open. This is not how it's panned out.
So far, since that night I haven't seen her once. She has done each of the following; made lame excuses when I tried to make plans with her (excuses that never used to exist), broken off plans with me, and today the most important one; not responded to a text message. Why is that so important? Because I made it clear when we first started seeing each other that there's nothing I hate more than when people don't return calls/texts and she assured me that she would never be that way. I do this with all budding relationships as something of a seed planting strategy. This way as long as the girl is interested in me she will ALWAYS respond, and the second she doesn't respond is when I know something is awry.
Basically, the long and short of it, is that since negotiating this "open relationship" with me, D has done nothing but show signs of someone who doesn't want to be in any relationship with me anymore. The fucked up thing is that I'm okay with us being done, but if it's gonna be done I want it done, quickly and honestly. Not like this. Especially since we swore to each other months ago that if one of us wanted to end it we would just be blunt and honest with the other. Now it looks like she's backed out of that bargain.
It's become fairly clear to me now that the open relationship idea was just a way to ease us into the inevitable breakup. I'm sure she's out right now decided which one of her new male "friends" is the one she's gonna replace me with, if not all of them. That wouldn't surprize me, after all, she did once tell me her number, and I won't say it here but it's pretty damn alarmingly astronomical. I let it slide because I liked her so much, but still, wow.
So that's where I am on a relationship standpoint. As of this moment I'm not sure where exactly it will go, I'm considering a pre-emptive breakup, just ending it myself the next time I see her, if I do see her. Haven't decided yet, we'll see.
This is where we begin. With me being an unhappy, underpaid PA in a dying relationship looking for direction. I've always got things going on in my life, and I'm here to talk about them.
Why I chose today to start doing this? I don't know, I guess that's just how things work out. Basically here's where I'm at in life. I'm a twenty-six year old male from the Midwest now living in LA. I work as a Production Assistant (PA) for a pretty big company in Hollywood. For those who don't know, PA is the dirt of the entertainment industry; we do all the work, get none of the pay and even less of the thanks. But we do it because we're told this is how you get places. This is pretty much a lie. Do lots of PA's get places? Sure. But, from what I've noticed, most of the higher ups are there because they already knew somebody. Another myth about being a PA is that the higher ups want us to believe that they're our friends, this too, is a lie. One thing I've learned in my 3+ years in the entertainment industry is that people work hard to get to high places in the business and they're not about to relinquish their position for some young, driven kid. I like to think of it like a mountain; with the PA's at the bottom trying to climb up, and all the higher ups standing in various places up above, along the way, throwing rocks down at us. This is my life right now, I do so much work for this company and get shit on day in and day out for very little money.
I kind of, sort of have/had a girlfriend. I'm still not totally sure what's going on but I'll tell you that right now it feels like our "relationship" is like a guy who was whacked over the back of the head once or twice with a crowbar and left for dead in an alley, and now he's just laying there bleeding to death wishing for someone to walk bye and put a bullet in his head. Basically I met this girl just about four months ago, we'll call her D. D and I met online, yep, not afraid to say it. It's not like I have trouble meeting girls, it's more like I have trouble meeting girls that are worth meeting, especially since I work so much. So I figured I'd try the online dating scene and much to my shock, it worked.
I met D on the site and we went on a date, well, at first we tried to go on a date but I had spent too much time partying the night before and couldn't successfully get over the hangover in time to meet up for brunch. I guess that could've have been considered an omen, but I don't know. She gave me another chance and we went on what was far and away the best first date I've ever been on. We totally just hit it off right away and closed the restaurant out talking, they had to kick us out. Things just kind of spiraled from there, for the next few weeks/months we were like boyfriend and girlfriend without officially being boyfriend and girlfriend and things were good, until two Sundays ago.
Two Sundays ago we're lying in bed together after fucking and we're talking. D decides to bring up the "where we are in our relationship" conversation. This was interestingly timed considering in the past week she had met three new male "friends" and had canceled our Saturday plans for a questionable business trip that was also a bit of a pleasure trip. I remember thinking to myself when she canceled our plans via text message that if she came back without any pictures and claimed to have forgotten her camera that something may be off. I thought this because this girl is a self proclaimed papparazzi. She brings her camera everywhere and is always taking pictures. Conveniently enough, she forgot her camera on this trip.
So this was strange to me, but honestly, at the time I just chalked it up to me being a dumb guy and I still would like to think I'm just being a dumb guy. After all, she's been pretty on point in the truth category, at least I think. Anyway, so she had been telling me that she considered me to be an investment with no return because I don't want to get married (at least I don't think I do) when she sequed into the topic at hand. At the time the conversation seemed to just move at its own pace, but as I look back on it now I can see that it was just a carefully thought out and worded way to break things off without actually breaking things off; a breakup loophole if you will.
She started by asking me where I thought things were going and where I wanted them to go, but would then pat me on the shoulder and say things like "we don't have to be exclusive" and "we can have an open relationship" and things of the sort. Now, what guy isn't going to at least want to give that idea a shot? I know I'm human. Hell, I'm not saying I want to have a long term relationship that develops into marriage with this girl, I mean, I was for the open relationship because I know this isn't forever and want to keep my options open. BUT, she made it seem like she wanted us to still go on like we have been and just have options open. This is not how it's panned out.
So far, since that night I haven't seen her once. She has done each of the following; made lame excuses when I tried to make plans with her (excuses that never used to exist), broken off plans with me, and today the most important one; not responded to a text message. Why is that so important? Because I made it clear when we first started seeing each other that there's nothing I hate more than when people don't return calls/texts and she assured me that she would never be that way. I do this with all budding relationships as something of a seed planting strategy. This way as long as the girl is interested in me she will ALWAYS respond, and the second she doesn't respond is when I know something is awry.
Basically, the long and short of it, is that since negotiating this "open relationship" with me, D has done nothing but show signs of someone who doesn't want to be in any relationship with me anymore. The fucked up thing is that I'm okay with us being done, but if it's gonna be done I want it done, quickly and honestly. Not like this. Especially since we swore to each other months ago that if one of us wanted to end it we would just be blunt and honest with the other. Now it looks like she's backed out of that bargain.
It's become fairly clear to me now that the open relationship idea was just a way to ease us into the inevitable breakup. I'm sure she's out right now decided which one of her new male "friends" is the one she's gonna replace me with, if not all of them. That wouldn't surprize me, after all, she did once tell me her number, and I won't say it here but it's pretty damn alarmingly astronomical. I let it slide because I liked her so much, but still, wow.
So that's where I am on a relationship standpoint. As of this moment I'm not sure where exactly it will go, I'm considering a pre-emptive breakup, just ending it myself the next time I see her, if I do see her. Haven't decided yet, we'll see.
This is where we begin. With me being an unhappy, underpaid PA in a dying relationship looking for direction. I've always got things going on in my life, and I'm here to talk about them.
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