Donde Esta Mi Swagger?

Uhg, oye, um, eh, damn it's been awhile since I've written up in this. I guess I just haven't had much to say lately. Things are just kind of dwindling by. I'm still not over D, a part of me probably never will be, but I'm putting my feet forward or whatever and what not. In the end I know what I did was right, it's the same shit fuck back issue I have every time things end with a girl, for some reason I'm just not a quick get over-er. I think it's because I'm so damn picky and choosy with whom I choose to share my time with. Take the few weeks I've been broken up with D for, I've had a few opportunites with other girls but have let them pass by the wayside because I just wasn't interested. That's just how I work, I don't care, if you don't do it for me totally then I'm not gonna fake it just for some easy ass. Don't get me wrong, more often than not I wish I could be that guy but I guess it's just not in my genes. Either way, I feel like I'm coming back around, I really need to make something happen that gets D out of my head soon though. I mean seriously, I ended it with her, granted it was a mercy killing that I truly didn't want to do but I did it, I shouldn't still be having this trouble. I need to just have a fun night with another chick. Either way I'm still not happy, I can't say I'm miserable but I'm definately missing a step or two. A week for now I'll be at the early end of my big 10 day vacation, if there's one thing I'll be looking for while I'm out there it's my damn swagger...I've been missing it for far too long and it's time to get it back.

Fixing the World One Idea at a Time

Went out with a friend last night, it was the first time in a long time that I can remember going out to bars and not having even one drink. We hit up the Sunset area and had a surprising amount of fun. I'm still a little surprised. For the first time since I moved here, I actually want to go back to Sunset, although next time I'd like to drink.

Anyway, it's towards the end of the night, we're at the last bar we went to and we're looking around, checking out the girls and discussing how there's always too many couples at bars, this was when I had a revolutionary thought.

We need to have segregation in our nightlife / bar scene. As a guy who's single more than taken, nothing frustrates me more than being at a bar, seeing a really hot girl then seeing her boyfriend right behind her. It really fucks up the whole process and needs to change.

Bars need begin taking sides and establishing themselves as couples only or singles only. No exceptions. If you think this would be bad for business then you are seriously mistaken. What single person wouldn't want to go to a bar if they knew, for sure, going in that everyone there was also gonna be single? The only potential issue I can see is too much sausage aka cock and not enough estrogen.

The sausage fest issue is the biggest reason as to why this has to be a blanket law. If it were only to be established at one or two places then those places would be swarming with horny, creepy dudes which, is pretty much how most bars are now anyway.

On the flip side, there would also be couples only bars. I know when I'm in a relationship I still like to take my lady out for drinks from time to time and should be able to, but without putting my lady out there as a tease to all the single guys in the bar. This goes along the lines of maxim that I've valued for awhile: don't do something that bothers you when you see other people doing it. Well, every time I take my girl (when I have one) out to a bar I'm violating that maxim.

In the end it's all about making people feel comfortable. With singles / couples bar segregation everyone wins. People who are in relationships can go out and have a good time without fear of being bothered by drunk and horny people while single people can go out without having to deal with seeing all these attractive people they'd like to meet who are already taken.

I guess that's about it for now. This weekend was nice, really chill, fairly productive. I'm still pleased with myself in that I didn't have any drinks. I honestly didn't think I'd make it. Counting the days 'til the East Coast.

blah blah blah

(sigh) Been a slow, laid back week = about fucking time. Not gonna lie, I'm feeling better by the day, D is slowly fading from my rear view, the friend visitations are done for awhile, I can almost smell a job promotion and in just three short weeks I'll out on the East Coast being the visitor instead of the host. Yeah, life's okay right now. Not great, not shitty.

Went out with the girl whom I previously referred to as the Hip Pocket Girl tonight. I guess we'll just call her HPG from now on, got that? Maybe you should write it down. Anyway, this was our second date, we walked on 3rd street prominade then came back and chilled at my place before she left. No action, didn't make a move. Well, a slight one at the end, but I didn't really go for it. Got kind of a peck and she said "I can't kiss you yet."

Ugh, I don't know how I feel about this chick. She's kind of falling into that category where I'd do here but wouldn't date her and that's a problem I have. Well, I guess it's either a problem or a good thing depending on your opinions. Basically, I'm not good at being a scumbag. I can be in one night stand circumstances, but I can't lead a girl on, fuck her, then hang her out to dry. Nor can I fake date girls just to get some ass. I know lots of guys who can do it, but I just feel wrong. In the end, I'm a nice guy, what can I say?

It's funny, I often think about how much higher the number of girls I've had sex with would be if I could just turn that niceness off, but you can't change who you are, right? I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this instance though because even though I say I'm a nice guy and can't be a dick, every girl I've ever fucked with the exception of one, I didn't have any feelings for. I've only truly liked one girl that I've had sex with. Crazy. I've had more one/two night stands than meaningful relationships. But, now that I think of it, we've kind of been over this so moving on...

I guess there's really not much else. Tomorrow I'm meeting with this actor to play a part in this little short I wrote that I've been trying to shoot for awhile. It's hard to stay focused on that shit when you work as much as I do, but it's gonna get shot. I believe in the project and think it could be pretty funny if we do it right. I don't think it would cost much at all either. The biggest thing would be renting cameras, the best way to shoot it would be 3 camera because it's mocking the traditional 3-cam sitcom format.

Either way, I hope this guy, who comes highly recommended, works out and we can get wheels in motion. It's still kind of early so I think I'm gonna put some work in on this script I started writing awhile ago, fell off of, but over the past couple days have been thinking about and want to get back to. If that last sentence made any sense to you then pat yourself on the back. And on that note, I bid you adeu.

Reflecting on the Future

Ahhhhh, nothing like a nice, long weekend away from everything to help bring you back down. I spent the four day 4th of July weekend in San Diego with friends doing lots of drinking. It was meant to be a cleansing weekend so I didn't hit on any girls. I thought about it and even wanted to at points, especially when really drunk, but to be honest, my game's a little rusty after having not doing much hitting on over the past four months. So, I didn't talk to any. I think it's safe to say that I'm keeping girls on the back burner between now and when I take my trip to the East Coast at the very end of the month / beginning of next month. I can't wait for that, I'd like to think I'll pull in a one nighter or two while I'm there then come back fully over D and ready to pound the pavement out here, we'll see.

The best part of the weekend, by far, was yesterday. Yesterday was Monday and I was supposed to go back to work but since it was my visiting friends' last day in town I called in sick and spent the day laying on the beach with my eyes closed and listening to the ocean. It was so relaxing, I didn't really think about much at the time, maybe a little reflecting on D. Seems to be the status quo for my thoughts these days.

I was thinking today about how commonplace this is for me. Over the years, regardless of how long I was seeing the girl for and how much or little I liked her, it always takes me a few days to fully get it out of my system. I'm, by nature, a very reflective person. I always find myself reliving the situations and generally wondering about things. I wonder about things that could have been said or done to change how the story played out, I also just reminisce about the best moments of the times we shared.

I think both parts, the latter especially, of the reflecting period will take a little longer with D for a few reasons.

1) D was / is by far the most interesting and infactuating girl I've ever been with. There was just something about her that is really hard to wash my hands clean of. I want to, bad, but it's been hard and will continue to be hard.

2) The fact that I didn't really want to end it. I'm not afraid to say it, I didn't want to end it. I still had strong feelings for D while I was ending it and I still have strong, lingering feelings for her now as I type this. I kept waiting and hoping for a moment that would bring everything back and make everything okay while I was ending it but it never happened. It was a lost cause. She wanted out, I knew it and I did what any good soldier would do to a dying man in the field; put her out of her misery. It was by far the toughest "breakup" I've ever had to do.

3) I had so many great memories with her. She took me to Disneyland. We went to all these amazing restaurants that I'd never been to before. Our weekend at Big Bear. As well as just many great little moments, you know, those moments that happen between you and someone special that capture everything that makes you two as a couple so special at that perticular moment? Lots of those.

4) I really didn't expect it to end so quick. I think the fact that it all ended so sudden and finitely really has had an effect on me. I mean, not too long ago we were making tentative plans for my birthday which is in September. We were also talking about planning a trip to San Fran in the Fall and then like a fucking punch to the stomach the wind is knocked out of everything and it's over.

I guess that's just the way that it goes and I need to get over it; fast. But I just don't think there's a fast in this process. I'm just gonna have to fight through it and hope it goes away sooner than it currently feels like it will go away. It would be nice to snag a one nighter at some point in the very near future. Those always work good to kind of remind you that there are other women out there that find you attractive and vice versa. Yeah, I'll be keeping my eyes out for one of those in the coming days and weeks.

On one last note, after this harsh money spending and hard drinking weekend I've decided not to drink AT ALL between now and when I go to the East Coast, mostly just to save money. I think this'll be good for me; goes with the whole cleansing process. Basically the next few weeks are a transitional phase for me; I'm cleansing my body of alchohol, I'm cleansing my mind of D and it'll all culminate in my big trip to the East Coast which will hopefully be followed by my long overdue promotion. Boy, writing that feels good, reading it over will surely feel better, but living it would certainly feel best. Here's to hoping it all plays out as well in real life as it does in my imagination.

Institutionalized

I had a weird realization about myself today. Remember in The Shawshank Redemption when Red goes on his little spiel about being "institutionalized?" If not I'll run it by real quick; basically he says he's institutionalized because he's been in prison so long that he doesn't know how to live in the outside world anymore.

Well, that's me, well, not with prison but with relationships. I'm almost 27 years old and if you were to add up all the time in my life I've spent in relationships it wouldn't even equal 1 full year, crazy. Especially considering that I've been with and had opportunities with quite a few women. But, the majority of my relationships, wait, all of my relationships have been post high-school, most of them post-college even.

I guess you could say I have a bit of an ugly duckling background. Although I can't say I was ever really ugly, more like a late bloomer. Puberty hit me HARD. I had awful acne, I had braces, I was deathly uncoordinated and my voice cracked hard every other word. Needless to say, when girls in my high school were looking to lose their virginity they went elsewhere. It wasn't 'til college, after the braces were gone, the acne had cleared, I'd regained my coordination and my voice had leveled off that I started having luck with women. A little bit at first, a lot after awhile.

Of course, I took to my newfound desirability like someone who had been broke then became rich overnight; I exploited it. I guess I was mad at the superficial girls from my high school and took it out on the young girls of Chicago, who knows, but what I do know is that I was bouncing around without ever really feeling much of anything and when I did feel something I made sure I stopped feeling it pretty quick.

Flash forward a few years to me living in LA in my mid 20's. I still have my appeal to women, one thing I can never complain about in my life is that I don't have trouble meeting and attracting women, I just have trouble sustaining things. Anyway, here I am, getting a little older and a little jaded on the whole bouncing around thing and thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to cool off and be with one girl for awhile.

Enter D, I've never hit it off with a girl like that. It was almost perfect and I thought we were gonna be together for awhile, then, at the first sign of any roadbumps I make a break for daylight like a running back blasting through a small hole. It was almost instictual, the second things got complicated I just didn't know how to nor want to deal with them so I broke the fuck out.

I think I know why; I've been single and bouncing around for so long that I don't know how to be in a relationship. It's almost like I'm addicted to the pain, loneliness and emptiness. In other words; I've become institutionilized.

There's a lot of guys out there that would trade places with me, I'm sure. But, after awhile you gotta start to think about the future and wonder how long you can sustain this lifestyle. Am I destined to end up as one of those 40 year old dudes out at the bar hitting on 20-somethings? Dear me I hope not. But, if I don't make a conscious effort to change my mentality on relationships that's exactly where I'll end up.

I'm not saying I'm gonna just go out and jump on the first girl I find that likes me. No, Instead I'm just going to make it a point to be more aware of this problem and not be afraid to face challenges and fight for what I want next time I find myself in a sinking relation"ship."

I don't regret my actions with D. I still believe it was the right move if only even because it brought out this revelation in me. Now I just have to make it a point to learn from this and all other similar experiences and grow from them.

I'm no longer that same angry kid, bitter kid taking out his high school angst on any willing girl who stepped in his path. I'm older now, I may be a little jaded but I'm an adult and I need to start handling these situations more like an adult.

Starting now.

End of an Era

Well it's finally over with D.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we? Yesterday, after a really long day at work I met up with my friend who's in town, his girlfriend and her friend at this local bar. After awhile D showed up and we finally hung out for the first time since the now infamous conversation. This was what I had been wanting, I needed to hang out with her in person once before I decided what my next move was gonna be and she didn't disappoint.

First, she turns her cheek when I go to give her a kiss hello; bad sign, and things just sort of went from there. Granted, we had some nice chats and a fairly good time all together, but something was definitely missing. What a shame.

So today at work I send her a text saying that I needed some face time with her after work and that we could just talk outside her apartment. After work I walked over there and we talked. I was honest, I just broke it down saying that I feel it's time for the romance / dating era of our relationship to come to an end and that I still stand by what I said months ago in that I think we should / will be friends and a part of each other's life for quite some time. I told her that before we started to be friends I need some time away from her.

I told her that we shouldn't see each other for a few months because I can't go from dating to being friends over night, I need some time to cool off. She reacted to the whole thing pretty predictably, in fact it was exactly how I thought she would react. She didn't seem neither happy nor sad; even keeled the whole way. She said she was cool with it and that she really appreciated my honesty and that I did it face to face, etc.

So, there it is, it would seem as we'll be friends at some point down the road, but there is something about D that makes me think that might not happen. Call it a feeling but I get the feeling that when the time comes that I'm completely over, which will happen, and I'm ready to just be friends with her she'll be nowhere to be found.

I don't know, I guess only time will tell on this, but for now, I am now a complete free agent for the first time in months. I do know this as well, my time was D was some of the best times I've had since probably ever. No girl ever made me feel the way she did, there were times when I thought she might be it, it is really sad to me that this had to end, and so soon to boot. It's amazing how these things work, and how people change and their minds change so fast and without warning.

It seemed like D changed overnight. On "Monday" she was all mine, by "Tuesday" she was lost never to be found. I will not lie, even though I was the one who officially ended it, I am surely the one who's most sad and hurt by this whole thing. Ending it wasn't necessarily what I wanted, but it was what was best. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want for the good of the group, and in this case ending things was what was best.

I just hope D does realize that, and really does feel similar to how I feel. She is a great and amazing woman and someday she's gonna make some guy really, really lucky. That guy just wont be me.